Amazingly, I had never read this book before. Maybe because now was when I needed to read it. I felt as though a lot of what I think was much more eloquently expressed in C.S. Lewis' words. At the same time it provoked me to think and to try new perspectives, bringing back things that I had once forgotten and lighting up new ideas as well.
I've spent some of this year, actually a lot, trying to figure out my faith and myself. I've tried to give more devotion to the word of God, as well as reading other books to open up my willingness to think.
One thing I've learned this year is that I've stagnated. I've stopped really actively pursuing growth. I have allowed road blocks, doubts, obstacles, fears, and so much more pacify me from truly experiencing life itself. When I was a child I had such big dreams of what I could do and be. Here I sit and so much of that has disappeared. Oh there is still plenty I want to do and be, but the idea that I could be has gone by the wayside. Between the naysayers, my own acceptance, and a lack of confidence, I've allowed myself to dream in vain. I do still dream these possibilities, but I haven't truly believed them. And in this, I am a hypocrite. I try to encourage my children and tell them that if they are willing to do the work, even when it is hard and they don't want to, in the end they can be and do things that they dream. Yet what example have I set for them? How have I shown them the truth of my words? I have not been willing to work hard for what I want, especially when the work is unappealing. Instead I get easily overwhelmed and anxious with all the doubt and fear flowing through my brain that I give up all too quickly or put my dreams on the back burner and then leave them there.Honestly, I have more than enough to distract myself with and in some, I'm justified in doing so. And yet, where do these dreams, these desires come from. They've been the same pretty much all my life. Could it be God calling me? Is it possible I'm too intimidated by the world to really open up and answer Him? Possibly. But why? Because, God can't use me if I'm unwilling, and there is certainly someone out there who doesn't want us to fulfill the desires of God.
I've struggled with the vicious "who am I and what is the purpose of my life" debate for years. The problem is, the answer has always been right in front of me, but I've always acted as though it was not enough. That it had to be more complicated than that. However, I've been wrong. The simple truth is, I am God's and my purpose is to live in Him. Everything I do and am is because He made me and made it possible for me to do and be those things. I am not going to be the best, by the world's standards.In fact, plenty of people will probably be unimpressed by what I do. At the same time, I shouldn't be worried about the world's standards (or really anything) because I'm not of this world. The pining in my heart for something more, that I can not pin point but often consider wanderlust is my hunger to be with Him. It is for Him that I should do everything, without fear, knowing that He is pleased with my wholeheartedness more than he is with the way I sound or how well I write or anything else. And it is for Him that I do the things I do. He wants for my heart, for all of our hearts to be whole, truly complete, and that can only happen in Him.
My hope and prayer for the coming year, is that I will allow him to peel off this suit of inhibition I've been wearing and unravel the strings of fear, doubt, and other things that have kept such a dreadful suit tied on me all these years, that I might finally begin to truly walk in the freedom He has given us. The freedom to do all things for Him and through Him.
