It's just a few hours until Thanksgiving day. I have much to be thankful for. I thought it'd be fun to share some of the things I am thankful for. I know it matters more what I do with the blessings in my life, but I think it's also important to share them. Not only to encourage and inspire others, but to really open ourselves to all the little things that matter.

I'm thankful for being in charge of dinner this year. I've never really been in charge of Thanksgiving dinner before. My husband has worked on Thanksgiving day only 1 other time that I can think of, but he still planned our meal and everything. All I did was put the turkey in the oven. This year however, I got to do the planning (with him helping me out when I needed it.). I got to plan the schedule for how it's all going to run as well as who is going to do what. It's going to be a small Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. As much as I'd LOVE to have more company, because I love having company, I'm still thankful that it'll be just us. An intimate Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for my kids and all the joy and light they bring into my life. This one can be so easily forgotten when I'm pretty much with them 24/7. I suppose that could be one benefit to an out of home school. I'd actually have to miss my kids. Although, I do when I'm at school. I have been so blessed to have these 3 not so perfect little ones in my life. They fight, they bicker, they whine, they complain. They make messes they don't clean up and blame others without ever taking responsibility for their actions or choices. They can destroy a room in a matter of seconds. And they can push my buttons as easily as they can change the chanel on the tv. They scream and yell as they run around the house playing like wild animals. They often forget their manners and hardly ever appreciate all they have. And I so often fall into the trap of seeing all those things, that I forget all the good there is to see. These wonderful little people, who are growing and blossoming right before my eyes as time runs away with them. I often forget that this is just ONE day and, if tomorrow comes, there will be a new opportunity to give them my best. And it breaks my heart to think I fail them, but I know (even when I don't always believe) that I'll only really fail, if I give up. The truth is, yeah they really CAN be like that. However, they are also eager to help with chores they love. Whether it be washing dishes, vacuuming, raking leaves, or sweeping. They give some of the best hugs and kisses ever. They are creative and funny and amazing. They take care of one another. They are blooming and blossoming each and every day and some of the things that annoyed me yesterday are becoming a distant memory as they learn their manners and how to treat others. As their worlds open and their hearts expand beyond themselves. Desiring to share with and care for others. They have taught me so much.

I'm thankful for my husband. The ups and downs and ins and outs. The growth and the strength. The friendship and love that we share. It hasn't been easy for us. There have been times when it has seemed like the world was against us, but we still strive. We still thrive. We're growing and learning so much together. And even though we aren't always in the same place or on the same level, things manage to find a way to balance us out. I've had my doubts and I'm sure he's had his, but at this time, I have peace about us and I'm thankful for that.

I got a B in A&P. A B that could've and should've been an A. But for some reason my brain and my hand were not well coordinated and instead of writing nucleolus like I was thinking, my hand wrote nucleotide and my brain for some reason didn't realize the discrepincy. However my teacher did and KNEW I knew the right answer. Oh well. Now I know I need to not only review my answers before turning in my tests (which I did not do...) I also need to work on focusing. I've been losing focus a little lately, although I think I might be getting back on track now. It can be rough going to school and homeschooling all while trying to keep the family happy and growing. My kids haven't been focused lately either.

Not a lot has been going on here, other than that.

So tonight in class the teacher asked us to tell something we learned today. I said that "S.O.A.P. notes aren't as scarey as I had thought" What I should've said was that I've learned recently that I worry too much about being good enough, which leads me to being sensitive to criticism a little more than your average person. It was brought to my attention from 2 people. My A&P teacher, who has told me to stop worrying so much. I'm doing wonderfully in class and my worrying is adding exteremely unnecassary stress to me. Then my husband. I vent to him everything I want to be good enough at that I'm not sure I am. The other day he basically told me that I needed to trust in what I can do and harbor confidence (no those weren't his exact words). And you know what, of course, they are right. I fret and stress over how good of a mom I am, are my children really learning and growing like they "should", am I going to keep doing well in school, am I really good at this that or the next thing. I'm so afraid of adding another failure to my L O N G list of failures that I'm making myself somewhat sick over it all. And for what? No real reason. I never realized before how obsessed I am with wanting to be good enough, but feeling like (for the most part) I'm not. I don't know why I feel that way or where it comes from. But I'm ready to get over it and let it go and grow and blossom. It has been a HUGE hinderance in my life and in my ability to succeed. Today our teacher shared the story of the young girl who asks her grandpa which wolf inside her will win. The grandpa says "Whichever one you feed" Obviously, I need to stop feeding into fear and worry and doubt and start feeding into confidence and faith and peace.

The Artist Within

I really wish I had the skills/talents to make the amazingly beautiful images I imagine tangible for others to see too. I invision these masterpieces and then can't do anything with them, because my artistic capabilities in no way could bring justice to the images in my head. I suppose I could try my hand at photography. Although, I'd need decent gear (at least) and all the props/costumes/etc... They're mainly faith inspired. But they are BEAUTIFUL! And I just wish I could share them with others. Even describing them doesn't bring justice to them. Although I suppose I could try my hand at writing stories based on them. I don't know.

In other news, school is still going great. I got another A in A&P! My kids are doing great. I really don't have much to say actually. Just "venting" my artistic "frustrations".

It's still been an emotional rollercoaster for me lately. Although some of those emotions finally just poured on out during a talk with my husband, which turned out to be a good thing for us. I don't like being emotional. It's embarrassing for me. But I am an overly sensitive person who has a lot of emotions. I think school has had an effect (affect?) on that. Not just by adding a new stress (but a good one) but also because I do believe that massage can help with the release of pent up emotions, which I have MORE than enough of.

The good news is I'm still loving school. I'm getting along great with my classmates. My kids are doing well. None of us have gotten sick or anything. And my marraige is doing better than I was worried about. I know that might not make any sense (how could I not know how it's doing) but my husband and I are almost polar opposites so sometimes, I'm not sure what's going on in his head and I know sometimes he really just doesn't get what's going on in mine. So it's really good that we sat down and talked yesterday.

In other news. Leaves are falling in bigger batches which totally thrills the kids. They LOVE raking the leaves up and making "eagle's nests" with them. Too cute! They each even have their own rakes. They're excited about Halloween, although I still have to finish 2 of their costumes! Their dad made candy apples with them the other day which they thought was really fun and they've been enjoying a lot of fall crafts and activities lately. I love it!

I've come to realize either I'm doing MUCH better at parenting with my son OR God is having pitty on me. My son is such a good baby. (My girls were too, but it's different) He isn't even 2 yet and knows that when he is done with his bath toys he needs to put them away. That when he is done in the tub (even though I'm right there) he needs to pull the plug AND put it on a little shelf. He throws things away when he's done with them, like bananas or what have you. He is just amazing! But with him I've done really well with putting my inhibitions aside and encouraging him to be helpful. Yeah I may have to deal with a mess or something now, but I discouraged my daughters for that very reason and now, it's a struggle getting them to help. I do also think that part of it with him is his love tank is almost always full. He gets slung instead of put in a stroller, he nurses still, he has a lot of mommy time and closeness. He also gets lots of closeness with his dad. With my girls, I weaned them before they were really ready, I put them in swings and strollers a lot. I just didn't hold them the way I do my son, because I didn't know any better. Thank God I co-slept with them, or I don't know how they'd be! I know "modern" parenting styles work for some people, but it is so not for me or my family.

I'm emotional. Not pregnant. Not on the pill, anymore... Yet emotional. Not normal for me. I'm crying at the drop of a hat. I'm really sensitive. Why? I'm stressed... What do I have to be stressed about? I'm home all the time and have the blessing to be homeschooling! I'm stressed over lots of things. Mostly things I shouldn't be. I've recently applied for a few jobs. I'm stressed over the idea of getting one and how that might affect (effect? I always forget when to use the a/e) school and my family dynamics. However, it would be benifical for us financially and for me independently. I'm also stressed over, what if I don't get a job? I look at our situation and really it is not bad at all, however, by my own personal desires and standards (For ME...) I would like to be doing better, because I know we CAN be. So far I've heard nothing and I know that I won't be getting one of the 3 jobs I've applied for. I'm stressed over school. I worry about forgetting to do the things that aren't due imediately and not having them when they are due. I'm worried about failing even though, currently, I'm doing fantastically. What if I forget the important things? What if I don't learn something? I know, it's pretty uncool to worry when I know how to NOT worry. They taught us some great techniques for overcoming these worries. So WHY am I still freaking out on the inside? I don't know. I think it's partially due to all the things I want and not knowing what I want the most, even when I lay out pros/cons and priorities. I'm indecisive. I do know that my family and school come first (after the Lord of course!) so if a job had a negative influence on either I'd have to let it go. What else am I stressed about? I suppose having non-imediate family living with us. It was my idea and it was a great idea. However, there are days where I think, y'know... But I want to help out as much as I can and that was why I came up with the idea in the first place. So we will see. I know I'm stressed over other things too, I'm just not sure what, yet. I've had moments where I've felt so low that I wondered, what benefit am I? What am I giving to this world or even to my family? I could never off myself (or anyone else) nor could I ever just walk out the door, but lately, I've seriously wondered if people would be better off without me. I mean what do I really do for others? My kids don't listen to me or respect me most of the time. And that is something I SHOULD'VE nipped in the bud a long time ago, but my husband and are I on 2 different planes in parenting and really most things. I spend a lot of time when I'm not working with the kids on learning or cleaning the house, doing nothing worth while. Somedays I wonder if I'm really helping the kids to learn anything. If it really was the right thing bringing them home. That answers gets confirmed everytime I consider the option of putting them into another school, though. So what do I do? I find a new way to work with them. That's what I do. I don't have a curriculum because they cost a chunk and I don't have that. So I've been doing what I can with what I do have. However, I've OBVIOUSLY been going about it the wrong way and am now making plans for a new way to go about it all. But it's stressful. Add to all that, that I haven't been sleeping well and I suppose that's why I'm having emotional breakdowns. As long as I'm not in seriously early menopause I suppose I'm ok.

Well, it's been a pretty good week. School is going great. My kids are doing well. I applied to a couple of jobs yesterday. I'm praying about that, if I get one, that God will give me the energy, strength, confidence, discipline, and courage to get it all done and done well. I'm nervous and scared about it. The benefits are the reason I'm going this route, but it's also another big weight to carry.

Took the family out to the pumpkin patches the other day. Checked out one orchard, but decided to go to a different one. I love picking our own stuff. Plan to make pumpkin pie from scratch. We do it every year. Made apple pie lastnight. Although we did do store bought dough.

The weather has been great, in my opinion, lately. I love rain (and snow, but we haven't had any of that).

I've got some of one costume made. I don't know if I'm going to meet my goal of getting them done by Monday. Of course, sitting here isn't getting them done. haha

Class is going wonderfully, aside from our touch history excersize. That was difficult and I'm glad it's over. But other than that I'm Loving class!!!! Tonight we got to practice Swedish massage. I was surprised at how quickly 1 hour goes for the practitioner! It was cool! To top that off, I didn't have dinner, but that's ok because people from one of the other classes brought lots of food and shared with my class. That was really nice of them and yep, I felt like God was looking out for me. It was good stuff too.

School has been AWESOME! I love it and the people I interact with there. So far I'm loving every class, even anatomy and physiology. I'm really excited about everything I'll be learning. I'm even feeling a little more confident that I just might be capable of really learning all the details I need to. I actually enjoy studying for school, for the most part.

My family seems to be handling my schooling really well, which is wonderful. My son will stand in the door waving bye-bye to me and blowing me kisses, instead of crying. He knows mommy will be back in a little bit. My girls miss me a lot but have learned I WILL come tuck them in when I get home which is good. The dog is the one who still needs to learn that he does NOT have to maul me the moment I walk through the door.

I've been really tired this week, though and haven't been sleeping well. Thankfully it isn't causing too many issues with school, other than I'm sure I looked like a zombie lastnight. However, I did take in A LOT of what she was teaching (which is why I'm excited). Also been feeling emotional, like I could just sit down somewhere and start crying. I'm not pregnant, though. Although I'm considering not taking the pill anymore. I'm remembering multiple reasons why I stopped using it in the first place. My body just does not like chemical contraceptives. I don't know if it's the pill that's causing the emotions. I doubt it since I just started feeling that way. But I don't know. It could be the serious weather change, from sunny and toasty to cloudy, wet, and cold. Although I love cloudy, wet, cold weather more... It could be stress. I do get stressed easily sometimes. I mean with school and homeschooling and housecleaning etc... that's a lot of weight to bare. How do those who work, homeschool, and go to school, while keeping a clean house etc... do it all?? You people are amazing!!! Especially those of you who are single and managing. Whether you homeschool or not. I know some people in that situation and it's rough. These are some strong people. Yep... I'm a little random. hahaha

Another great day. Perfect day for snuggling with the kids. My house is actually pretty tidy. Unfortunately school wasn't as smooth for my oldest today. She just wasn't in the mood. Other than that, we had a pretty good day today. Although, my son's eye got hurt. Not sure what happened but it was bleeding inside a little. Nothing serious, though. It'll be better within a few days. And dear daughter #2 lost her first tooth while I was at school tonight. A bittersweet thing for me. I haven't even made her tooth fairy pillow. I thought I had more time. It took forever for dd #1's teeth to come out. But dd #2 is a bit more rough and tumble so it really shouldn't surprise me. It came out while she was eating a carrot.

It was my second night of school tonight. It went great! We got our books and schedules and all. We even got our first bit of homework. I have A LOT to read, but I've already started and know I can do it. I'm just praying the Lord helps me to grasp what I'm reading. I have a tendency to have things go in one eye and out the other if it's technical. So far, though, it's peaking my interest, so that is good. Got to know more about my classmates today and some of the staff. It's really cool how easily and quickly we're all connecting to each other. Like a big family.

Today, God kept to the same things. I'm thinking, I have a lot of work to do on seeking, obeying, and praising. But I know the Lord has been with me all day (not that God ever really leaves us.), I just had to keep reminding myself when a bump arose in the days plans to turn and seek instead of getting upset or frustrated. And I'm a lot less stressed because of it. I have, by the way, noticed my blemishes decreasing. Normally they'd be worse, but I've been pretty good at not picking.

Well I need to do some more reading and then, I need to go to bed!!!

Yesterday was another blessed day. Again my kids' schooling went smoothly. We even did an art project using some of my old magazines and empty cereal boxes. My oldest made it to her horse program on time and both girls got to enjoy cloverbuds (mini 4-H). I made it to school early and was able to enjoy some knitting before I went in.

I really enjoyed class. All my classmates were really nice and pretty cool. The staff is awesome. I'm really excited about my journey and am looking forward to class tonight. Lastnight was mainly an introduction night. Getting to know everybody. The school encourages creating a safe and comfortable atmosphere and by the time class was over it did feel that way. I mean, I tend to be a very reserved, sit back and observe, wait to be approached kind of person. Lastnight, however I was talking to all kinds of people! Not my norm. This is definetly going to be an amazing growing experience for me.

Yesterday I didn't have a specific scripture upon my heart. I just had praise and obedience. I need to learn to be more obedient to the Lord. And the Lord has chosen something that should be simple to work with me on. I'm a picker. I hate to admit it sometimes, because it's gross, but I pick. I come from a line of women pickers. But I believe God has put on my heart to STOP. I was praying recently that I would have clearer skin. (Yes I pray for what might seem silly things or even odd things.) And that was the answer I got. STOP PICKING! I have started to a couple of times but then I hear that and sometimes I try to give myself another moment or 2 but then I realize, no I need to be obedient. Hey God works in mysterious ways right? Hahaha Baby steps. If I can learn to be obedient about something that seems so little and unimportant, then I'll learn to be obedient for the things that really are worth it.

I'm thankful that there are a good amount of other Christians in my class. I know it was one thing I was worried about. I need spiritual support in the places I spend the most time. Growing up, it seemed like most people didn't like me unless I was "worldly" and I'll be honest, I like to impress people. I don't go out of my way to get people's attention. However, if my "war stories and battle scars" impress people I get caught up in sharing them. The thing is, I don't want to be the bragging "world" focused person I know I can be. I want to inspire people, but I want to lift them up too. I don't want to do things to glorify myself. I want to do things to glorify the Lord. Knowing that there are people I can lean on in class for prayer, for spiritual uplifting. People who will like me as I am and not for things I've done in my past that were "cool" is really comforting to me. Not that my none Christian friends aren't supportive or anything. I know alot of them like me for me.

I'm excited to know what God's addition to my focus will be today. I know that I need to continue seeking, praising, and being obedient.

Yesterday was a very productive and blessed day for me.

I've been waking up at 7 in the morning, while the rest of my family sleeps, to spend time with the Lord. I pray, read the proverb of the day, and ask the Lord what I need to remember/know today. When I was done I opened a magazine a friend felt moved to loan me. Above Rubies. It's a magazine for Christian women. It's uplifting, inspiring, and supportive. When I was done with that I started reading the Believer's Voice of Victory magazine, she had also loaned me. Yesterday's message from God to me was simple. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness..." - Matthew 6:33. So yesterday I spent the day just praising the Lord in all I did. Folding laundry, taking the kids to p.e., handling disagreements or frustrations, everything. I got into the word a few times as well yesterday and just prayed. Today I'm working to continue that.

God blessed my family for it yesterday. My girls got through their schoolwork with almost no complaints. I got mostly caught up on my laundry, cleaned my living room and kitchen, and rearranged my bedroom all after the kids' scheduled bedtime. My kids all played really well with each other for the most part. It was just a very peaceful and productive day. You could feel a love there that normally isn't. God's deep and powerful love.

Today I start school. I'm going to train to be a massage therapist. I've been anxious, nervous, and scared about this all summer. I'm excited and look forward to it too. Today, I'm constantly handing that over to the Lord to handle. I know that the Lord is with me and I shouldn't be afraid. Fear is something I struggle with, though. It's something that I've always had. I suppose I should get the book Fearless and read it. As well as focus on scriptures that remind me why I have no need to fear, and no it isn't because Underdog is here... (haha) It's because "...perfect love casts out all fear..." -1 John 4:18

I'm off to go and be productive!

Faith At Home

That was the title of today's sermon at church. Based on Joshua 24:15 "... as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." It was exactly what I needed today, because it was a confirmation of things I'm currently dealing with in my life.

I'm really wanting to have a more Christ centered, united family. This is difficult considering I'm married to a man who could care less about spirituality. He respects mine, and I appreciate that, and he respects the fact that I want to raise our kids to have their own, but he doesn't have any interest in his own. In my dreams, I can see our family joined together as a team, a partnership, praying together, lifting each other up, being what family is truly meant to be. However, I don't know how to get there. I deal with a lot of my own struggles and somedays I feel like a full on failure. Today's sermon helped me with some of these issues. I thought I would share my notes.

First, we need to be focused. Focused on God. Focused on our spiritual goals. Focused on our family goals. What do we want for our children? What do we want for our marraige. What do we want for our future? Would we want our children to act like us? The way we treat God and our faith, our spouse, our children, and others? Do we want them to say the things we say? Partake of the things we do? Participate in the activities we participate in?

Next we need to be equipped. Equipped with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. "Study to show thyself approved, a workman need not be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." 2 Timothy 2:15 We need to equip ourselves with God's words. With a support group of others who have not only been there done that, but might also be going through what we're going through to remind us, we aren't alone! And this too shall pass.

We can't sit around expecting someone else to do it for us. Yes attending church is great for our spirits and our children's spirits, if the church is alive and well. It can be a place to go for uplifting, for prayer, for support, for fellowship. However, we can't take our kids to church and then do nothing to grow their spirits, or our own, at home. It's OUR job to raise our children up. It's not the school's job, the teacher's job, the church's job, the minisiter's job. They can be great assistants and great support, but these children were given to US not someone else.

Do all you can with all you have. The more something or someone is available in a persons life the more of an influence it has. We need to be in our children's lives and our spouse's life. We need to be living spiritually and not be hypocrits. We need to take active, unconditionally loving roles in our family. It's hard work, it takes changing in ourselves with the Lord. The thing is, it is absolutely doable if we are willing to fully give ourselves to the Lord.

We need to be praying, studying the word of the Lord, being active in serving others (especially our family), and living a faith inspired life on a daily basis. Taking each day one day at a time, because tomorrow may never come and yesterday is already done. We especially need to be doing these things with our spouse and our children. If they reject it, then we just keep respectfully trying and don't give up on your faith.

It's never too late to be the family that God designed. We should never settle for less than what the Lord has said is possible for our families or anything else. Instead we must trust and have faith and know that as we build our spirits up and grow in a relationship with the Lord, the Lord will answer us. If we let our families be a part of our growth, the Lord will move in them too.

So be inspired and motivated, be focused and equipped, and most of all be willing with faith to trust in the Lord and let the Holy Spirit move in you. You can develop a preferred future for yourself and for your family, if you just let the Lord grow in you.

Rainy Morning

It's a beautiful rainy morning here today. Although, it makes me miss the PNW a bit more. I'm sitting here in the near silence of my home, nursing my boy and relaxing. The only things I hear are the rain, my son's breathing, and the whirring of an appliance here and there. It's a great way to start the morning. Especially for someone who doesn't drink coffee. This is on of the things that makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

Today I'll be going to church. I actually enjoy church. I don't go because I'm obligated to. Maybe because I don't believe I have to go to church in order to be close to the Lord. I go because I enjoy the fellowship and because it fills me up in a way that my alone time with the Lord doesn't. Though that time is important to me too.

At this point in my life I'm really learning what it means to build a relationship with the Lord. And not just vicariously, but through my own efforts, desires, etc. I talk to the Lord as though I'm talking to my best friend. Like the Lord is just sitting on the couch with me, haning out. I've been trying to make sure to read the bible in the morning and at bedtime as well as implementing it in our school. I homeschool. The great thing is, the Lord has been speaking to me through the word. I know I have a lot more growing to do, but I'm excited about it.

Recently my relationship building with the Lord has been pouring out into my marraige. No marraige is easy and for me, it didn't help that when I got into mine, I was only 19 and pregnant. Mind you, we were already engaged before getting pregnant, so it wasn't a shot gun wedding or anything. Just a surprise bonus. I love my daughter and am thankful for her, but a lot of times I wish I had respected the Lord's desire for us to wait. I think it would've made some things a lot better for my marraige and my children. But alas I can't change that and through the grace of God I'm getting better. Through the Lord's grace I'm learning and growing and maturing into what a wife is meant to be and what a mother is meant to be. It's not easy. It's actually very hard work, because I'm having to change perspectives on a lot of things. But, it has definetly been worth it as I've seen my children draw closer to each other and to the Lord. And I've seen things change for the better between my husband and I. I'm thankful for all the Lord does and all the Lord is. I know in 5-10 years I'll look back and see that my life has blossomed so much.

Fall

I've felt fall coming for at least a week now. Can almost smell it in the air. I always feel extra crafty in the fall, and extra sentimental. Leaves are already starting to change colors and fall to the ground. I went out and bought my girls their own rakes for this year. They outgrew the one from last year, which can now be used by my son. I look forward to later in the season when there are plenty of leaves for the 4 of us to go out and rake up together. We always try to make the biggest pile ever! And then we jump in it and rake it up some more. I look forward to our apple and pumpkin picking adventures. Along with all the baking that comes with that. Tearfully, I look forward to each kids birthday and Christmas (which I know, it's in winter, but still.) I don't discount Thanksgiving, mind you. I love feasts, especially when my husband is the one cooking. Not because it means I don't have to, but because he is just that good of a cook. (You mind find that a re accuring statement in my posts.)

To kick off the fall, though technically it doesn't start just yet, the family and I went over to a fall festival in the next town. I took the kids to it last year by myself, while waiting for my husband's flight to get in, and it was great fun. This year was about the same. There was a train, though we didn't go on it and it wasn't giving rides. There was a person who brought a TON of sand and was making a really cool sculpture. There were lots of local vendors which is always neat to see. And I got some ideas for myself of things I'd like to, and think I could, do. The girls even got to tour an ambulance and talk about it some. Great learning experience for them, as it was something they've been wanting to do.

After we got home I relaxed a little and went out to the garden to harvest some peppers and tomatos. I took the camera out to take some pictures of all the butterflies on our butterfly bush. Saw a big bumble bee and a wasp out there too. The coolest thing was seeing our pond frog under it though. I love to take pictures. When I was done out there it was time to do some cleaning. I didn't do as much as I had planned to lastnight as my boy was wanting me most the night and it was just so hot in our house. Although I did get to work on my BSU spirit inspired scarf as I watched them take down Fresno State! So far I'm having a pretty good weekend. Made even better by the fact that my husband is currently making corn on the cob and home made wings!

A Quiet Evening

This evening my husband is off at the Reds game with our girls. It's a very quiet night at home. My son is actually asleep, waking from time to time for a drink. It's a little warm in the house tonight. Though, I enjoy these quiet times, I prefer the company of my family. There is so much I really should be getting done at this very moment, but all I really want to do is just sit and relax. As much as I'd like for my family to be home, I've actually had a pretty good evening. I, thanks to my husband's courteous thinking, made myself some salmon and rice for dinner. My son actually enjoyed it and ate more than he normally does for dinner. Then I decided to make some home made pretzles. Probably the best ones I've ever made and the first time doing it without my husband's assistance. He is the chef in this house, and a masterful one at that. I did get my kitchen cleaned up tonight, though I still need to sweep. Since I'm not in the mood to clean, or do any of my "projects" right now it would be nice to have a friend over. Oh well. Maybe next time.

Natalie Elizabeth

Tonight I was watching a re-run of Promised Land. It was the episode with Julia Stiles playing a teen mom who'd lost her baby. It struck a chord for me and by the end I had some tears streaking my cheeks.



A few years ago I too lost a baby. Although mine was through a failed pregnancy. I was around 3 months pregnant. I wasn't gaining any weight, in fact I was actually losing weight. The dr. did an ultrasound after having a hard time finding a heart beat. There wasn't much to find. Everything but a baby was in there. Whether or not a baby had been in there, I don't really know, but personally I think there was. The dr. recommended a d&c since I wasn't aborting on my own. After seeing my mother become severely anemic after her miscarraige a few years before that, I decided to heed the dr.



It was a HORRIBLE day for me. Not just the idea of the d&c but the fact that I ended up spending the whole day in the hospital pretty much alone and wasn't able to eat! Why? Because you can't eat while waiting for surgery. I went in at 7:30 in the morning. I was supposed to have the surgery at 1, but they had prep work to do and I had to talk to the anesthisiologist. Around 9 or so they came in telling me I might actually get in at 10. Just before 10, however, they came in and told me 11. Then it was back to 1 again. Then it wasn't going to happen until 3. At 3 they came in and told me they didn't know when they'd get me in. I was so upset and wanted to cry. While talking to a dr. about my frustration he told me that I needed to just calm down and not get emotional, because there was nothing they could do about it. After all what can a dr. do when they have 4 emergency c-sections in a day. At some point in time, probably due to the stress and all I started to miscarry on my own. I wish I'd had the courage to get up and walk out then, but I didn't. Aside from my mom and husband calling me from time to time (my husband to see if I was done yet and my mom for moral support) I really had no one to lean on (at least that's what I thought at the time) for the strength and courage to do that. Finally at 7:30pm (yes 12 hours later!) they finally took me back for my surgery. While I was under, which seemed like it was only 5 minutes, I had this "vision" or dream, whatever you will, of the dr.s, doing the procedure, carrying a box and from the box hung a little baby's hand. I was devastated. I'd seen the ultrasound myself, though, and there really wasn't any baby in it. At the time I decided to just be relieved to have the whole ordeal over with. My husband was very disconnected from the situation. So much so that he didn't even come to the hospital except to drop me off there and pick me up when I was done. I felt so alone. I didn't let myself really mourn my loss or accept that whole pregnancy. 2 years later when I went in, after finding out I was pregnant again, I was filling out the form and reached the part asking about how many pregnancies I'd had and all that. It was hard to fill that out. However, while I was pregnant with my son I had 2 dreams involving what I thought were twins. (My son was due 2 weeks before the estimated due date of my lost baby) My dreams were strange, though. I'd have the dream of one scene and it would involve a girl and then repeat a second time only it was a boy not a girl. I've come to decide that it was my lost baby in the first dream and my new son in the second. I feel as though God was letting me know she was safe with him and that He had an angel watching over my son, whom I had started out very worried about. So much so that, though I'm not a fan of ultrasounds, I demanded one early on to make sure there was a baby in there. He was born safely at home, when he was ready to come Earthside.



She was due Christmas Eve. But I miscarried on June 10th. The same day my Grandmother died back in the early 90's. I had planned to name her Natalie Elizabeth. Natalie means: Born on Christmas day and Elizabeth means: Consecrated to God

I miss her. And it's hard sometimes, because I don't really talk about it much. I know that I'm not crazy, but sometimes I think people will think I'm weird. But tonight, I felt compelled to share some of her story.

Back again

I took my blog down for a while, though I don't remember why now. I've decided to bring it back and may later re-add some of the blogs I'd previously posted and removed. We'll see.

Today I wanted to share a tip for those traveling with infants/toddlers in the near future.

If you intend to use a car seat on a flight, make sure it has the FAA approved sticker. Otherwise you'll be told you can't, even if you've used that same exact car seat on flights in the past and by discription it probably does meet the FAA standards. Instead you'll be told to just buckle your kid into the seat with the regular airline seat seatbelt as though that's safe and will restrain your toddler so they aren't running the aisles (thankfully mine didn't). Also you can not have your child in a carrier/sling during take off and/or landing. I paid for my little guy to have his very own seat thinking his car seat would be fine (since we used it on a flight back in Dec), but since stickers have been ripped off over time (though none in the last 9 months or so I'm pretty sure) they couldn't find the FAA sticker and refused to let me use it. So for both a 3 hour and a 4 and a half hour trip I held my son, which is no big deal except I had paid for him to have his own seat so I wouldn't have to do that... So before you pay for a ticket for your young one, make sure you have a sticker on your car seat or that you can afford to pay for the use of an FAA carseat rental.