Dec 23, 2011

My trip home went well. I got to see family there. I didn't find my Christmas spirit there, though. Or anywhere for that matter. If Christmas came and went, I don't know that I'd care, this year. That's a big deal, considering I am the type who is all about Christmas. This year, I don't feel like baking cookies. I don't feel like giving. I don't feel like sharing. I don't feel like bringing joy and goodness. I just feel like moving on. I don't feel hateful towards Christmas or like a Grinch. If others want it, that's fine. I just want it to be spring already and for this chapter to close already...

Last night I had a dream that my uncle, cousins, siblings, and kids were all at grandpa's old house and as we passed the basement widow we all saw him there. He was as real as could be touched, but he wasn't flesh like us. He was trying to open a box of cereal or something but in his eyes was a sense of emptiness. At some point we each made our way into the house and the others managed to talk to him as though he'd never gone. I couldn't. I was too frightened and confused. When I was finally ready to, I woke up.

Dec 9, 2011

It was midnight. The start of Dec 7, 2011, which marked the 70th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. I got a call. It was my mom. My grandfather, a military veteran, who was 9 when Pearl Harbor happened, had taken his spirit to the next level of life's journey, just a few minutes prior. I knew it was going to happen, there had been plenty of warning. Like they always say, you can never really prepare for something like that. I went up to crawl into bed. My heart was so heavy, but I tried to breathe through it. As I began the climb into bed, past my husband, hoping not to wake the baby, he stopped me. "Who called you?" he asked. "My mom and brother", I replied. I don't remember if he asked if I was ok or not, because the next thing I knew he'd wrapped his arms around me and just held me, giving me a safe place to cry. He allowed me to mourn. He didn't speak. He didn't rush me. He just held me. I'm very blessed to have a husband who will do that for me. Especially since I'm not used to that kind of thing from him. Usually my emotions seem whiny and dramatic to him. This, however, he understood. My grandfather, thankfully, passed peacefully and quietly surrounded by love from those who could be there with him. My heart hurts not only for myself, but especially for the wife he left behind who made the last decade of his life as bright as she could. Honestly I believe God used her to help him have another decade of life. It also goes out to his children, who have lost their lifetime hero. Of course it goes out to all who lost this great man. To him, I dedicate this poem, which he inspired in my heart.

Tears are shed.
Hearts are broken.
Death has come.
A spirit is taken.
We should rejoice,
For a life lifted.
Instead we mourn,
For a light put out.
The world seems dark,
With each missing piece.
Yet heaven grows brighter,
With each breath rejoined.
For you breathed life into Adam.
Through death, you gain it back. 
~ N.L. Salzano

Dec 5, 2011

Today I have felt very heavy. My grandfather is nearing his exit from this portion of life and preparing for the next level. I haven't seen him in over 2 years and, though I'll be heading out that way soon, it may not be quick enough. One day he seems like he's doing good. The next he seems like he's on the brink of moving on. This is what I hear, anyway. My heart is happy for him to be free of his ailments. Of course, I'm heart broken at the same time. To never hug him again. Never hear him laugh or see him smile. No more stories about road gators. I haven't seen him much in the last decade. Even when I lived near him, I didn't go see him often. The time I have spent with him has left a special imprint on my heart. He is one of the few people in my life, whose love I never questioned. I never doubted that I was special to him. That's a big deal for me. I have pretty low self esteem. At least in my opinion. I make cocky jokes and sound arrogant, but they are just jokes. For the past week I've been anxious and depressed. Thankfully not to a completely debilitating point. I've doubted my value and worth. I've questioned my contribution to the world and my family. I've wonder how all the super women do it. I know women who accomplish way more in a day than I do in a month. At least it seems like they do. However, tonight I found a light in my darkness for a while. I managed to accomplish some stuff, which seems minor stuff that you're supposed to do anyway, but for me it was a real accomplishment. God never said life was easy, though. But he did say he'd be my strength. I suppose I'm a kindred spirit to King David. I toss and turn and lose sleep at night and yet when I praise the Lord it all seems less than what I let it be before.

You Love Me Anyway

by the Sidewalk Prophets

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me
It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me
You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me