June 20, 2011

A new perspective. I've been dealing with a lot of feelings towards my mom and things that have happened in my life lately. See, I asked God to open me up and clean me out. To remove any bitterness, anger, unforgiveness and to heal my broken heart. I knew there was stuff locked away that needed to be faced. I know it is still "Just the beginning". God is answering that prayer and I have been remembering things that I'd locked away. I've been experiencing feelings I'd refused to before. Then yesterday, at church, they preached on the importance of a father's role in a child's life. It was a great message that made me think of my mom, too. And it struck me. A new perspective of my mom.

Imagine your a young woman, in her late teens, who during a time of rebellion gets married. You're husband loves you, in a way, but the two of you don't seem to really click. It doesn't help that you aren't in agreement on many things, including spirituality. On top of that you're in a foreign country, far away from family and with very few friends. This was back before you could just shoot an email or call long distance for pretty much nothing. You know, back when long distance cost an arm and a leg or you could try snail mail. You also have 2 young one's. Things aren't as peachy as you wished they'd be. Your daughter has been known to tell you she hates you and "runs away". (usually hiding under the dinner table, because she is too scared to actually run away) Your son is angry a lot and violent. You don't understand. You don't know what to do. You know that inside he is a sweet wonderful boy. You've seen him be that boy. What did you do wrong. Why is it that no matter what you try to do, it doesn't seem to fix the problems. You feel alone and so far from God. You're husband works a lot and when he is home, he doesn't seem to help much, instead choosing to do what is important to him, personally. You feel broken, hopeless. You often break and get angry, taking it out on your kids, when they push the right buttons. You know where you learned it. From your own mom. Why? You feel angry towards her but feel guilty over it, because you aren't supposed to. Same with your feelings towards your husband. You want things to be one way, your family to be picturesque. Or at least closer to it. When you look at them and at things, you see they are no where near what you hoped for and you don't know what to do. You take it personally and take it all on your shoulders, blaming yourself, because you know there are things you could've done better, should've done better, and maybe if things were different you would've done them better. I don't know about you, but often, I can relate to this woman. That woman is my mom. Her life isn't like that now. She has a new husband, who shares her faith and clicks with her better. She has 2 other children who have never known foreign soil, the pain of a broken home, or the darkest times of their mother. They have a more picturesque life than we had. They are happier and she is doing better. Sometimes I feel jealous of them, but when I let go of that I can't help but be happy for them. I helped raise them for a short while and wouldn't want any less for them. She is no longer poor in life, but rich. Maybe not with money, but with so many other things that are more important. She still has her own demons to fight and her own healing to be had, but I feel like I understand her, at least a little bit more now.