Sometimes, it would seem as though that would be a more appropriate title for my blog. As a person working to overcome the tendencies of a vacillating pleaser, I am having to learn to overcome being a big ball of anxious, back and forth thinking.
Yesterday was a battle for me. I was having a pretty good day, overall, until plans changed. Not only did they change, but they also put me in a time crunch. Now, sometimes I am ok with plans changing. I am pretty much never ok when I have a time crunch. The idea that being on time is being late is embedded in me and I wasn't even sure if we'd be on time. I wrestled with it out loud. "God, please, help me. I know that I shouldn't be anxious, because either way we are going to get where we are going." Then I realized, I wasn't just anxious about being late. I was anxious about ruining something for someone else by being late. The truth is, I wouldn't have. Being late wouldn't have been a big deal. Yet, here I was feeling my pulse rise along with my agitation at EVERY red light - which was pretty much all of them - I hit. I felt ridiculous for being so upset, which only exacerbated my growing frustration.
In the midst of this struggle, God's peace was working. I normally would've blown a much bigger gasket, but managed to maintain a bit of sanity. We made it safely and with time to spare. It really wasn't a big deal.
In this moment, of living out a recent sermon from my pastor about stopping stinkin' thinkin', I see God working. He knows what we have need of, even before we ask. He knew the struggle I have with my thinking, and that this week, would be an exceptional struggle as He broadened my perspective. I know it will take perseverance, but that the day will come when I will walk in His ultimate peace and joy.