A Time to Learn

We never stop growing and learning, as long as we are open to life. In my life, I am learning a lot lately.

For instance, I've recently come to accept that I'm disrespectful to my children. A fact I never really noticed, until I got fed up with some disrespectful behavior from my son. The truth is, I haven't set the best example. I have been known to barge right into their room. No knock, asking for permission, or anything. Just waltzing right in. Though, I do own the place, that is not a good enough reason to behave like that.

Not only that, but I've also had a habit of interrupting. It started when I found myself unable to get a word in edgewise, with many people, unless I just threw my words out there.

Then there is my lack of manners. Though, at times, I say please and thank you and ask for their help, I more often than not demand my way and yell and shout if I have to. I even reach the point of throwing out empty threats.

Oh, but that is not all, folks, I am a horrible loser. Yesterday, during a game of Risk, as I sat there being attacked by the alliance of my sons, I became so upset that I quit, because it just wasn't fun. (Really, it isn't fun to play a game when everyone is against you and you are accomplishing nothing with your only hope being to continue down the spiral of doom.) Today, I lost at chess and blamed one of my blessings for distracting me with what they were talking about.

Yeah. I'm a jerk. A childish, petty, sad, little person. At least some of the time. I'm not always this bad, but we are supposed to confess our sins to one another, that we might receive edification.

Looking at Blessing #6, I can't help but be in awe of life and people and... my babies. Yet, so quickly I've gone from doting to feeling as though we are at war with one another and wondering how in the world it all happened.

I'll tell you how I think it happened. I stopped doting on them. By doting, I don't me spoiling and treating them as though they are gods. No, I mean sharing my heart openly and freely with them. Telling them often that they are special to me, that I love them, that I thank God for them. Hugging them and kissing them. I don't know how or why, I just know that it has.

Why am I confessing all this? Because, I'm not alone and I want others dealing with the same issues to know they are not alone. To know that they can learn, grow, and overcome.

Since realizing my poor behavior, I've begun to pray about it and to ask, politely, more often. I've begun knocking on my daughters' door and asking permission to enter. I've been trying harder to actively listen with the reminder in my heart that listening is not about preparing my reply, but about taking in what is being given out and drawing closer to the one who is sharing it.

Having opened my eyes to my need for change, I am striving to be better. Moment by moment, choice by choice. Sure, I won't always make the right choice. I can be a pretty emotional person. However, I can still move forward, step by step, choice by choice. Not so that my children will become more respectful, though I do hope they do for the sake of their future families and friendships, but more so, so that I will be worthy of their respect. That I may be more like the virtuous woman.

A Decade and a Half

I don't remember how my thoughts found their way to this realization, but they did. I have been a living sacrifice to my children, as of yesterday, for 15 years. In these 15 years of mothering adventures, there have been maybe 3 years (total) that the provisions of my body have not been given to my children.

So often I feel unaccomplished and unvaluable, yet, thinking about this time of service and all it has entailed, I glimpse the fact that I am wrong. (Yes, I, a woman, just admitted to being wrong.) It is true that I have failed at something everyday. However, I have succeeded in positive ways every day, as well, even if it was simply that I loved my children openly, through the little things I do.

It is not easy being a mom. It is the only instance when a part of you comes to life and separates itself from you, gradually, over time, like peeling off a bandaid. It is an emotional roller coaster. A constant give and take. A war zone, to be quite honest. A daily battle for one of the greatest causes.

Many days, I feel as though I'm losing the war. I'm battered and beat, tired and drained. Yet, in it all, there is joy. I still believe that each of my children, even on their worst days (or mine) is a gift and a treasure. I'm thankful to be so richly blessed and thankful for all the ways I've been able to grow, learn, and even heal through my journey.

Some may never notice, acknowledge, or give credit to me for all that I have achieved in being a mother, but I'm thankful for those who remind me that in the end, I will be victorious. I'm thankful for my children. And I'm thankful that God has opened my heart and mind to see and believe, that I might have the strength to persevere, even when I feel like I can't go on.

Will You Be My Valentine?

(Sorry, I couldn't get a better picture and I, sadly, don't have any photo editing software.)

This was my most recent project. It isn't done yet, because I've been a slacker. (Not really, I've been soaking in being a new mom.) It was my Valentine gift to my husband this year, and kind of to myself.

I got the idea for it while making our Christmas stocking hanger, that I found the inspiration for on Pinterest. The next step is to add hooks to the bottom and brackets, for hanging, to the back. The plan is to have it be a picture hanger, with pictures of just the 2 of us, which I've discovered there aren't many of, to hang in our room. 

It reads, "Because Love is not an emotion, Love is a promise!" I considered painting a tiny TARDIS on there, since that is where this quote is rendered from, but that is also a key truth in the bible. God always keeps His promises. Love, is a decision, a choice. It isn't something you just feel or experience, but have no control over. It is something to fight for. Something to be willing to go to Hell and back for. (Jesus did.) In this day and age of giving up when things get hard, this is my motto. Some days, it is what keeps me going as a wife, a mom, a person.

Whoops!

 Today, I sent my girls into the local market to grab some rice to go with dinner. To reward themselves, Blessing #2 decided to snag a thing of Mentos. To her dismay, I checked the receipt and saw her purchase. I informed both girls they'd be paying me for their purchase.

After her and Blessing #1 divided the Mentos, I asked to have one. It has been a very long time since I've had one and I wanted to remember how they tasted. As soon as I popped it into my mouth, it dawned on me, "This is sugar, duh!" I spit it out and offered it to my 2 year old, who surprisingly rejected it. (I know, gross, why would I do that? Why waste it...) Blessing #1 said she'd take it, so I dropped it into her open palm. Apparently, she didn't realize it'd been in my mouth, until it hit her skin. Immediately, she demand I take it back. So, I decided to just finish it, instead of wasting it.

As I chewed it, a thought struck me. This was a prime opportunity to teach my girls about the impact of their choices and how they are like dominoes, creating chain reactions. I explained to them how Blessing #2's decision to purchase the Mentos, had led to the temptation for Blessing #1 and I to consume said candies, though both of us are attempting to cut sugar. Sin begets sin. It wasn't Blessing #2's fault that we made the choice we made, to partake of the sugar, just as it was not Eve's fault that Adam indulged in the forbidden fruit. However, when my daughter made available the opportunity for temptation, as Eve did upon offering the fruit to Adam, it opened the door for the rest of us to do something we hadn't intended to do. We my think the little things we do, that we shouldn't, are no big deal and don't really impact anyone else, but the truth is, even the smallest of choices has a ripple effect. Of course, Blessing #2 said she didn't see what I was talking about, and that is ok. Blessing #1 seemed to agree with the point I was making, so it did make at least some sense to someone, other than me.

It is awesome how in my little, "Whoops!", moment, which really seems like no big deal, God was able to grab my attention and share an important message. It goes along with my whole, trying to be more mindful, journey and I'm glad that I was ready to receive it. To me, it is just more evidence of His love and care for me, for us.

Lent 2016

 It is now the Lenten season, once again, and, as in recent years, I intend to take this time to make changes that draw me closer to God and to who He created me to be.

Looking back, I see that I have grown a lot over the past year. I took 6 months off from facebook, only returning to keep up to date with our homeschool groups. However, my time away from social media showed me a few things. 1) I am way more productive when I leave it be. 2) I honestly didn't miss much. 3) I don't NEED it. 4) God comes first. First thing when I wake up, I shouldn't be reaching out to the social media world, because there isn't much to see there. Instead, I can focus on my relationship with God and prioritize my day. 5) Using social media is consuming. Constantly checking it to make sure you don't miss something important, having to wade through all the memes and reposts, and posts of things people liked from other pages just to find the post about your cousin's new baby or your friend's genuine prayer request. I'm thankful for the time I turned my back, to refocus and connect better and deeper with God.

This year, I am taking a different journey. A journey for my health. Every year my husband uses lent as an opportunity to cut back on his sugar intake. It hasn't been easy for him, since I've never joined him. I've decided to be his wing mate in this season as he takes on that challenge again. When I say sugar I'm not referring to honey, fruits, and such like that, just for the record. I want to know if I can do it, because quite frankly, sugar is probably my biggest vice. Or at least *I* think it is. I want to see what happens when I cut it. How will my health change, my mental state, etc. I am curious.

Today, the 1st day of this journey, I have succeeded. I will take this one day, one step at a time. I will do my best to be mindful of what I am eating, just as I try to be mindful of who I am being and how I am living. In so doing, I hope to draw closer to God and to lead my children down a better path than I have been.

I pray that all of you seeking to grow deeper in God, this Lent, will find the strength and courage to do so through your chosen efforts.

Women's Fellowship

          My, oh my. I knew I was in need of some women's fellowship, but until last night, I didn't realize how desperate that need was.

          Recently a friend of mine arranged a small group women's study of the book "How We Love". Our study started this past week and we met together to discuss what we've read, last night.

           I was a bit unsure at first. I tend to either not share or over share, so I felt a little anxious. I had a past experience with a group where I shared a deep, personal prayer concern and ended up with people trying to give me advice instead of praying. Last night wasn't like that.

           Instead, it was the beginning of what I believe will be a wonderful and powerful building of sisterhood. We each were able to share deep thoughts, feelings, and realizations, knowing that our focus was on overcoming, together. We weren't there to advise, to pick apart, etc. We were there to listen, to share, to grow. I now know things to pray about for each of these women and I believe that they too will be praying for me.

All Things New

     The other day, as I was surfing channels, I came across a televised, local church service. I decided to stop and watch it.

     The preacher was talking about how, just as the day is new, we are new every morning. He talked about redemption. The redemption of the spirit, which is when you receive Jesus. The redemption of the soul, which is a daily, (moment by moment), battle. Then the redemption of the body, which will happen on the Day of Redemption.

      As I chewed on the things he spoke of, the Holy Spirit began to stir in me a better understanding of life. The scriptures say not to worry about yesterday, because it is done,  or tomorrow, because it is not guaranteed. Science agrees that our bodies are made new over and over. The skin sheds as new skin forms and the same is true for all the cells of the body from our blood to our organs.

     Too often our yesterdays and tomorrows overshadow today. The problem is, we no longer have yesterday and we may never have tomorrow, but in fear many give away our todays because of who we were yesterday or what we did. We throw away our todays, afraid that, tomorrow, things won't be any different. I tell you, though, that we don't have to be what we were yesterday and tomorrow can be different, if it comes.

      I've often heard the sentiment that today is a new chapter in the book of your life and each moment a new page, so decide what will be written. I must say that I agree with this. I've seen it in my own life. Whether it is as little of a choice as choosing whether I'll take an apple or a bag of M&M's, or to stay in bed or get up and tell my daughters I love them and tuck them in even though they are already asleep. Sometimes my choices are much more difficult than these, but they are still choices that I am making. That's the thing. Our Choices. It is all about our choices in each moment. Not all our choices will be great, but if we focus on the fact that we have them, we will do better at making them.

      Everyday, every moment, we have the opportunity to be a better person, to live a better life, by making better choices. By knowing that, even though I was just angry about something ridiculous, doesn't mean I have to stay angry and feel stupid. I can choose, instead to forgive myself and move on, to turn my attention to something positive.

      I see this in my own life. My mother knows she wasn't the perfect mom and she still harbors bitterness over it. Granted, I've had my moments of not being a positive helper with that, but it truly is about her choices. Her choices to accept that I'm allowed to be upset as I work through things, but that doesn't mean she has to, because that was yesterday, (many yesterdays ago...), and that any mommy issues I have are just that, mine.  Also her choice to forgive herself or continue to be angry and disappointed with herself.

      Then there is my dad. He knows he wasn't the greatest father, yet he has accepted that he can't change anything he may feel he could've done better. All he can do is forgive himself, let go, and move on with better choices. He also says that, though he made mistakes, his children are old enough to make choices for their own lives. I'll admit, that has hurt, when dealing with my daddy issues, but again, those are my issues and he is absolutely right.

       This is how forgiveness can be made a little easier. Not only remembering that we are new everyday, and can make better choices, but that others are new everyday as well. We can not control the choices that other people make but we can have an influence on them, positive or negative. Let us choose to be positive influences. Let us choose to forgive, even if we have to cry out to God every moment for help in that. Let us choose to encourage people to be better. Let us choose to step away from what is unhealthy for us, whether it be food, relationships, or even just the way we've been thinking. Most importantly, let us choose to love. Not because others are being loved, but because it is better to love and because we are loved by love itself. God. We don't have to stay in the state we were in, even a moment ago. We can choose to be different. To be who we imagine we are, when we imagine ourselves at our best. We can be and live better, if we will choose to.