Jesus Loves Me

Today during worship we sang the song "Lead Me to the Cross", by Hillsong. As we sang I had a vision. Jesus was on the cross covered in my sins. Not just like a weight, but like he was swimming in them. Like they had engulfed him. Then he rose and stood before me. His eyes were like piercing blue mirrors that reflected back to me all the darkest parts of me and more. They showed me his understanding and knowing of what was inside of me. They showed me how he truly felt my hurt, my sorrow, and everything. Most of all, as tears rolled down his cheeks in sync with my own, I saw his love. Pure, unconditional, unadulterated love. I saw him hold my spirit in his arms like a child. Wiping my tears and washing away the dirt stains, created by my Earthliness. It was amazing and I could see where some would think "Whatever" but this was real. God is real. I don't doubt that. It amazes me how much God loves me. I've never known love like that. Love that sees past all the shadows and grime and whatnot to the very core, the very center that is us. An us we don't fully know or understand. The us that God created.

Hillsong United - Lead Me To The Cross lyrics

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemption's hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as loss

Chorus:
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and tried
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as loss

Chorus

Bridge:
To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart



Lyrics | Hillsong United lyrics - Lead Me To The Cross lyrics

Today at church the lesson was on the purpose of trials. Trials are not about the answer at the end, but about us becoming more like Christ. When we reach that point where we say “God gives and God can take away.” As Job once did. Or like Abraham when he said “God can bring my son life again” when God had asked him to sacrifice Isaac. It’s a point we reach where we truly give ourselves to God. In the Business of Being Born the midwife in the film talks about her giving birth. It was when she finally gave into her body and what it was telling her to do. When she finally let go. That is when her baby arrived. I too have had a similar experience while giving birth. I thought it wouldn’t take long, since my last birth hadn’t. I thought it would be easier. I was wrong. Looking back I realize how God showed me how to let go. It wasn’t easy. It took defeat. Labor lasted a lot longer than I had imagined it would. It was intense. I was scared and wanted to be done. Thoughts raced through my mind from time to time. If I’d gotten a c-section, I wouldn’t be in so much pain and discomfort. I’d already be holding my baby. I wouldn’t be worried about them and why it was taking so long for their arrival. I considered giving up. I was too weak, too tired, to continue. I almost cried many times, because I felt like such a failure. It was when I finally said to myself, I can’t do this without God, that my baby finally arrived. I cried out, “God help me!” as I thought, “Without you I just might die.” My baby was born. All the fear was gone. This precious life in my arms, melted away everything, and filled me with the love of God. I learned that I am a fighter as much as a lover, if it's for the right cause. Jesus was also a fighter and a lover.

Sept 3rd

So far, adjusting to our new little one has been pretty easy. Much easier than adjusting to 3. It helps that this little one is a pretty laid back baby who nurses really well, most of the time. Our older kids love and adore him, which makes things even easier. I'd say, really the only problem has been tandem nursing and trying to figure out the best way to go about it.

I never planned to tandem nurse or even to nurse as long as we have, it's just worked out that way. I've considered stopping. Even worked towards it a couple of times. I know in time it will happen. However, I do think it is helping with the adjustment of a new baby.

Public schooling, so far, is going well. It certainly helps that we're very proactive in the kids' studies. I've mainly appreciated the fact that I've been able to get the rest and relaxation I've needed to recover well from giving birth. This is honestly the best postpartum recovery I've had. I haven't had to stress about their lessons or anything. And they aren't at home fighting all day. However, I do look forward to the end of the year and deciding what we'll do next year. I want to homeschool again, but we will see. I see pros and cons to both styles of learning. I still like the idea of homeschooling more, though.

I'm excited that it is finally football season again. I love fall and have been looking forward to it's arrival all summer. I know that technically it isn't fall until the 21st. To me, though, fall starts Sept 1st. I don't know why. It just does. And I love it. The crisp cool air. The warm fuzzy feelings. Harvest season. The colors. The fun things that happen around this time of year. One problem with it is homesickness. It makes me want to be surrounded by family even more than any other time of year. I don't live near family, however, so that's kind of difficult.