Today I have felt very heavy. My grandfather is nearing his exit from this portion of life and preparing for the next level. I haven't seen him in over 2 years and, though I'll be heading out that way soon, it may not be quick enough. One day he seems like he's doing good. The next he seems like he's on the brink of moving on. This is what I hear, anyway. My heart is happy for him to be free of his ailments. Of course, I'm heart broken at the same time. To never hug him again. Never hear him laugh or see him smile. No more stories about road gators. I haven't seen him much in the last decade. Even when I lived near him, I didn't go see him often. The time I have spent with him has left a special imprint on my heart. He is one of the few people in my life, whose love I never questioned. I never doubted that I was special to him. That's a big deal for me. I have pretty low self esteem. At least in my opinion. I make cocky jokes and sound arrogant, but they are just jokes. For the past week I've been anxious and depressed. Thankfully not to a completely debilitating point. I've doubted my value and worth. I've questioned my contribution to the world and my family. I've wonder how all the super women do it. I know women who accomplish way more in a day than I do in a month. At least it seems like they do. However, tonight I found a light in my darkness for a while. I managed to accomplish some stuff, which seems minor stuff that you're supposed to do anyway, but for me it was a real accomplishment. God never said life was easy, though. But he did say he'd be my strength. I suppose I'm a kindred spirit to King David. I toss and turn and lose sleep at night and yet when I praise the Lord it all seems less than what I let it be before.
You Love Me Anyway
by the Sidewalk Prophets
The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me
It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me
You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me
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