Fighting, bickering, anger, etc... have filled my home a lot this summer. All the normal complaints moms seem to have. My kids don't listen. They don't respect me. I give them chores and end up either yelling at them and threatening to take away their privileges or give up and do it myself. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I just want to have fun with them and have positive memories, but it seems like all we do is go through this vicious cycle of butting heads until I just about break. I take away their privileges and sometimes it works, other times, they just complain about how wrong it is and how I have no right.
On a couple of occasions, I've had the courage to wave my white flag in front of another mom and cry out, "I surrender!" Thankfully these were women with wisdom and hearts of prayer. No, things aren't perfect, nor have they changed much. However, I know that God is working in this situation, both in my children, and in me. Just as He has been doing in my marriage.
The other day, I reached a low point. My anger, like a volcano, exploded and I saw myself as a beast returning from my own past. My heart broke and on my bed I wept bitterly, crying out to the Lord. In times past, I've asked God why He would curse my children with a mother like me. Children are a blessing, a gift from the Lord. I'm the problem. Why me? Why did He trust me with them? At the beginning of summer, I was told never to say that again. Sometimes, it still hits me and as I laid on my bed that night I asked Him again, "Why am I their mother? This isn't the mother I wanted to be, or the way I wanted my children to live. What do you see in me?"
As I prayed, sleep took me, peacefully, into its embrace. There, I rested in the Lord and for the first time, in a while, I awoke early (for me) feeling refreshed. I watched as the sky changed from dawn to morning, with the word of God. The fog streamed across the pasture. The autumn light casting rays upon the woods. I breathed deep the glory that fall brings to my heart. I know it isn't fall, yet. Still, I felt as though God made that day for me. It maintained the autumn beauty all day. Peace, love, and joy filled my heart. I found pleasure, even in the most mundane. I was, for a day, more the mother I hope to be, than the one I fight so hard to overcome.
The days since haven't always been as refreshing as that one, though I have found a renewed sense of strength and faith. My attitude has been adjusted and my behavior impacted. I can not change others, but I can be changed.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Sunday, August 2, 2015
August 2, 2015
On this beautiful, sunny, summer day I am thankful for the
abundance our farm experiences. Imagine if I put more focus on it! Maybe
you can't, but I do realize that I need to. I was told earlier this
year that someone once said, (ok I'm sure it was more than once), to
figure out your top 3 priorities and put 90% of your focus on those three
things. EVERYthing else gets to divide up the last 10%. My problem is, I
often lose sight of my priorities and let others influence my focus. Mainly because I haven't always defined, for myself, what exactly my priorities are. It's like setting a goal. In order to succeed at your goal, it must be defined. If it is vague, how do you know when you have actually achieved it or just settled for less? So I am prayerfully defining my priorities.
My first priority is my personal relationship with God. It's easy to confuse what that actually means and often times, I do. However, when I get deep into prayer, I know, that it means my time in His presence. It means being focused in the word, prayer, praise, and worship. It means putting on the full armor of God everyday and letting His love pour through me onto those around me. It isn't about where, when, or with whom I go to church, or how involved or uninvolved I may be in different ministries, or what I can do or be for others. It is about *MY* personal relationship with God. Just like I have a personal relationship with my husband. Which leads me to my second priority.
My relationship with my family. By that, I mean with my husband and my children, though my relationships with other family members are important as well, these are the people I have the most impact on. The question is, am I lifting them up with love, or tearing them down with a worldly attitude. What does the bible say about being a wife and a mother? Am I striving to do *MY* best, to apply those truths in my family? Am I taking on the responsibility of doing what is right vs. doing what is expected and/or easy? Am I willing to go against society to raise my kids in a biblical manner or am I just throwing in the towel and saying it is too hard? What about my husband? Am I giving him the attention that belongs to him, or am I distracted by less important things? Am I allowing the influence of others expectations of my time take away from my priorities, because I forget that it is GOOD and OK to let something be less important than another thing even if other people don't agree. I suppose it's obvious and I must confess, I'm a people pleaser.
Which oddly leads to my third priority. My home and my farm. Yes, I am a homemaker, who homeschools, and am home a lot, but that doesn't mean I always give my home and farm the care and attention I should. For one, I'm busy teaching the kids and sometimes I need down time/me time. Also, I often allow myself to be distracted by taking on responsibilities and obligations that I really don't have time for. I know there is time if you will make time for something, but that time is often taking away from my priorities. It is our responsibility to be good stewards of what God has blessed us with, but I haven't been. Though my garden has brought forth some things, and hopefully will continue to, if I had given more focus to it, I'd have a much better harvest. So far, I have gathered some garlic (which wasn't as ready as it could've been), cucumbers (which I've been able to pickle), lettuce (which has now bolted), a couple radishes (because that is all I got around to planting) and some green beans (though they aren't flourishing the way they did last year.). Our tomatoes and popcorn look promising. The watermelons are lost in the weeds, but were finally starting to produce fruit a few weeks ago. Some of the pumpkin plants have fruit also. My collards are finally looking productive. And my herbs don't look like they'll make it. And it is my own fault, mostly. Thankfully, God is our provider. This year we were able to can 19 jars of mulberry jam. I know if, I'd been better about getting out and harvesting we would've had more. Blessings 4&5 LOVE mulberry jam. I was also able to gather a few handfuls of black raspberries and blackberries before the animals ate them all. Our wild asparagus provided at least 5, probably more, side dishes for us. I've found that not only do we have wild carrot growing but also wild parsnip, which if I will be diligent this fall I can harvest for stews and soups this winter. The wild grapes also look like we might be able to make some jelly, if we will be faithful in harvesting them. We've found some wild bergamot on the land as well and my husband intends to try his hand at making tea with some. We have more beneficial things on this land as well, if we will give our focus to it. And that is just the land. There is also the home. Making this home a warm, welcoming, safe place for our family and our guests. Though home is equivalent to family, I am also referring to the building in which this family resides. I have plans and ideas, etc. It is just making these things happen, to make this home more efficient, functional, and more enjoyable.
EVERYthing else, belongs on the back burner compared to these three, most important, for *ME*, priorities. I know not everyone agrees with me and that it displeases people when I tell them no, or I can't, or I just don't make time for whatever they want me to. Sadly, it is very difficult for me to do that. To say no. To allow myself to trust in myself. To trust what God has spoken into my heart. It is long overdue, though. So baby step, by baby step, I'm striving to turn my focus onto the things that God has placed in my heart as my purposes. To allow myself to become narrow focused, making my priorities 90% of it and allowing everything else to fall into the 10%. After all, HE is the ONE I need to please above all others.
My first priority is my personal relationship with God. It's easy to confuse what that actually means and often times, I do. However, when I get deep into prayer, I know, that it means my time in His presence. It means being focused in the word, prayer, praise, and worship. It means putting on the full armor of God everyday and letting His love pour through me onto those around me. It isn't about where, when, or with whom I go to church, or how involved or uninvolved I may be in different ministries, or what I can do or be for others. It is about *MY* personal relationship with God. Just like I have a personal relationship with my husband. Which leads me to my second priority.
My relationship with my family. By that, I mean with my husband and my children, though my relationships with other family members are important as well, these are the people I have the most impact on. The question is, am I lifting them up with love, or tearing them down with a worldly attitude. What does the bible say about being a wife and a mother? Am I striving to do *MY* best, to apply those truths in my family? Am I taking on the responsibility of doing what is right vs. doing what is expected and/or easy? Am I willing to go against society to raise my kids in a biblical manner or am I just throwing in the towel and saying it is too hard? What about my husband? Am I giving him the attention that belongs to him, or am I distracted by less important things? Am I allowing the influence of others expectations of my time take away from my priorities, because I forget that it is GOOD and OK to let something be less important than another thing even if other people don't agree. I suppose it's obvious and I must confess, I'm a people pleaser.
Which oddly leads to my third priority. My home and my farm. Yes, I am a homemaker, who homeschools, and am home a lot, but that doesn't mean I always give my home and farm the care and attention I should. For one, I'm busy teaching the kids and sometimes I need down time/me time. Also, I often allow myself to be distracted by taking on responsibilities and obligations that I really don't have time for. I know there is time if you will make time for something, but that time is often taking away from my priorities. It is our responsibility to be good stewards of what God has blessed us with, but I haven't been. Though my garden has brought forth some things, and hopefully will continue to, if I had given more focus to it, I'd have a much better harvest. So far, I have gathered some garlic (which wasn't as ready as it could've been), cucumbers (which I've been able to pickle), lettuce (which has now bolted), a couple radishes (because that is all I got around to planting) and some green beans (though they aren't flourishing the way they did last year.). Our tomatoes and popcorn look promising. The watermelons are lost in the weeds, but were finally starting to produce fruit a few weeks ago. Some of the pumpkin plants have fruit also. My collards are finally looking productive. And my herbs don't look like they'll make it. And it is my own fault, mostly. Thankfully, God is our provider. This year we were able to can 19 jars of mulberry jam. I know if, I'd been better about getting out and harvesting we would've had more. Blessings 4&5 LOVE mulberry jam. I was also able to gather a few handfuls of black raspberries and blackberries before the animals ate them all. Our wild asparagus provided at least 5, probably more, side dishes for us. I've found that not only do we have wild carrot growing but also wild parsnip, which if I will be diligent this fall I can harvest for stews and soups this winter. The wild grapes also look like we might be able to make some jelly, if we will be faithful in harvesting them. We've found some wild bergamot on the land as well and my husband intends to try his hand at making tea with some. We have more beneficial things on this land as well, if we will give our focus to it. And that is just the land. There is also the home. Making this home a warm, welcoming, safe place for our family and our guests. Though home is equivalent to family, I am also referring to the building in which this family resides. I have plans and ideas, etc. It is just making these things happen, to make this home more efficient, functional, and more enjoyable.
EVERYthing else, belongs on the back burner compared to these three, most important, for *ME*, priorities. I know not everyone agrees with me and that it displeases people when I tell them no, or I can't, or I just don't make time for whatever they want me to. Sadly, it is very difficult for me to do that. To say no. To allow myself to trust in myself. To trust what God has spoken into my heart. It is long overdue, though. So baby step, by baby step, I'm striving to turn my focus onto the things that God has placed in my heart as my purposes. To allow myself to become narrow focused, making my priorities 90% of it and allowing everything else to fall into the 10%. After all, HE is the ONE I need to please above all others.
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