Fighting, bickering, anger, etc... have filled my home a lot this summer. All the normal complaints moms seem to have. My kids don't listen. They don't respect me. I give them chores and end up either yelling at them and threatening to take away their privileges or give up and do it myself. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I just want to have fun with them and have positive memories, but it seems like all we do is go through this vicious cycle of butting heads until I just about break. I take away their privileges and sometimes it works, other times, they just complain about how wrong it is and how I have no right.
On a couple of occasions, I've had the courage to wave my white flag in front of another mom and cry out, "I surrender!" Thankfully these were women with wisdom and hearts of prayer. No, things aren't perfect, nor have they changed much. However, I know that God is working in this situation, both in my children, and in me. Just as He has been doing in my marriage.
The other day, I reached a low point. My anger, like a volcano, exploded and I saw myself as a beast returning from my own past. My heart broke and on my bed I wept bitterly, crying out to the Lord. In times past, I've asked God why He would curse my children with a mother like me. Children are a blessing, a gift from the Lord. I'm the problem. Why me? Why did He trust me with them? At the beginning of summer, I was told never to say that again. Sometimes, it still hits me and as I laid on my bed that night I asked Him again, "Why am I their mother? This isn't the mother I wanted to be, or the way I wanted my children to live. What do you see in me?"
As I prayed, sleep took me, peacefully, into its embrace. There, I rested in the Lord and for the first time, in a while, I awoke early (for me) feeling refreshed. I watched as the sky changed from dawn to morning, with the word of God. The fog streamed across the pasture. The autumn light casting rays upon the woods. I breathed deep the glory that fall brings to my heart. I know it isn't fall, yet. Still, I felt as though God made that day for me. It maintained the autumn beauty all day. Peace, love, and joy filled my heart. I found pleasure, even in the most mundane. I was, for a day, more the mother I hope to be, than the one I fight so hard to overcome.
The days since haven't always been as refreshing as that one, though I have found a renewed sense of strength and faith. My attitude has been adjusted and my behavior impacted. I can not change others, but I can be changed.
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