Just a Breath

Today as I was doing my daily reading, I noticed a theme starting. I seem to be coming across things that remind me that our days are numbered. That we are but a breath in God's time line. What am I doing with my day, my life? That is the question. Am I in alignment with God or with the world and the things of it? A body out of alignment is more prone to health and mental issues, as well as pain and discomfort, and a lower quality of life.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon caught up in planning out an educational map for each of my girls and for the rest of my children. This is good in the sense that it gives us an idea of what still needs to be achieved to reach their goals and to give me some perspective. At the same time, I can plan all I want, but plans change and get "thrown off". I could've spent the afternoon more wisely. Thankfully, God gave me a second chance last night. Normally after church, I get the kids in their pajamas and send them to bed, because I'm exhausted and want to go to bed too. Last night, my oldest stayed home sick. While I was gone she sent me messages over and over telling me she missed me and couldn't wait til we got home so she could snuggle with me. When we got home, I let the kids get a snack, and then it was pajama time. Instead of sending them off to their own beds, I gathered them in to mine and read 2 chapters of Anne of Green Gables to them. I don't read to them nearly as often as I should. I don't use my time wisely, very often. Too many days end with me wondering, "What did I do that was worth this day of my life?", "How did I impact my kids today?" Sometimes I feel in a rut or like I'm just going through the motions of the day, caught up and overwhelmed by my "to do" list, that I never actually get finished, that everything that really matters gets put on the back burner. I know this is extremely common. I wonder often, "What is the purpose behind what I'm teaching them, how I'm raising them, and the life that we live?"

 I want this breath to matter, to be worth the time God gave it.

Ecclesiastes

Last night I went to a small group bible study. We were discussing what we would be studying in the coming weeks and used the evening as an opportunity to share where each of us were in regards to the Holy Spirit, since that is what we will be studying. To get us started, the host of the study, for the night, shared the testimony of how he opened his heart to the Lord.

As we got further into discussion one of the men said that the book of Ecclesiastes was his favorite in the bible. He liked the down to earth wisdom in it. I know I've read the book Ecclesiastes before, but I couldn't remember what this book had to say. What made this such a great book? So this morning, after I finished my daily reading, I turned to Ecclesiastes and began to read. I'm on Chapter 5, now. Not that they are long chapters. As I read the first 4 chapters I realized what this man liked so much about this book. It is a good reminder that the things of this world will pass away. That, though it is good to be wise and live a righteous life, we all will die in the end. That life is full of good and bad and that until that day comes we need to remember to enjoy the life that God has given us. God wants us to live abundantly. He wants us to find pleasure in the gifts He has given us. To experience the rewards of the fruits of our labors. What are we striving for? What purpose are we fulfilling today? Who are we living for? Are we taking time to appreciate God's creation? Are we cherishing the moments we have with our loved ones, even if things around us are "out of whack"? Are we willing to take a leap of faith, step out, and do what our spirit is shouting within us to do? This is what life is about. It isn't about gain, glory, or fame. It isn't about meeting the expectations or demands of the world. It is about taking in the beauty of life all around us and in God. Allowing ourselves to love, enjoy, be loved, give, laugh, really live. Things are not life, experiences are.  This world is not our home. Are living with a heart like Jesus or a heart stuck in the world?

This is what I've taken from Ecclesiastes so far today.

Lent

Tomorrow is the start of Lent. I don't know much about Lent, I'll be honest, even though it is only a Google search away. What I have gathered from friends, and even some family, is that it is a 40 day fasting ritual.

Now normally, I don't keep track of Lent, however my daughters' friend is Catholic and is participating. She has chosen to give up fried foods for the 40 days and told my girls it was to remind us of how Jesus gave up His body on the cross. This is important to me. One, it is a good learning opportunity for my girls and two, I want to make sure I don't make fried food when their friend is eating with us.

My oldest daughter has decided she wants to participate by giving up eating potato chips. I've told her to pray about it. Though we are not Catholic, Lutheran, or any denomination really and don't see Lent as a requirement or expectation, I also don't see the harm in learning to let go of something that isn't good for you. To me the 40 days (and maybe this is the meaning) is a reminder of how Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights. The point of fasting is to spend the time, we would spend eating, in communion with God instead. This would be through prayer, reading the bible, worship, acts of service, etc. Fasting is a way of focusing on feeding and strengthening our spirits. Lent seems to be a time to re-evaluate the health of our spirits and to remove things from our lives that have come between us and God, whether it be food, technology, or whatever. That's why I want my daughter to pray about it. Lent, at least from my perspective, shouldn't be something you do because your friend is, you feel obligated or required to do it, or because you just always have. It should be something you do between you and God. It should be something you choose prayerfully, seeking God on what it is that is coming between you and Him the most. I hope that, if she does participate that she does it for the right reasons and that she allows herself to be truly open to God moving in her spirit and changing her life.

I explained all this to her and also explained to her that she can't expect her sister to do it, just because she and their friend are. That if she chooses to or not, it is between her and God. If she does choose to, what she chooses to do, is between her and God. At this time, my younger daughter doesn't plan to, because she thinks it is boring. She is 9 and it isn't something we've really ever talked about. The last thing I explained to my oldest was that we don't have to give up things for Lent. We can give up things for God any day. She considered giving up cookies, but because Lent starts tomorrow and Valentine's Day is the next day, she decided that might not be a good idea. The only thing she felt ready to give up, temporarily, was potato chips.

As for me, what would I give up? I don't think I'd give up anything. I don't like the idea of giving something up, though I know Jesus gave up the Ghost. I prefer to think of it as letting something go. It sounds more positive, like an act of love not obligation. But that's just one of those weird things about me. I'd like to try letting go of all processed foods. There are just so many benefits to doing so, including facing the gluttony issue straight on and giving God more room to help us overcome that sin in our lives.

Feb 10, Morning Notes

Sunday morning we had a guest speaker at my church. His topic was, "What Does True Greatness Look Like"

He shared excerpts from a book by Gene Edwards, "A Tale of Three Kings" along with scriptures from the Bible. One of the three kings is king David.

David, faults and all, has always been one of my favorite historical figures. To be known as "a man after God's own heart" is quite a way to be known. I've always considered him a kindred spirit, with his love for music, his emotional struggles, and especially his hunger for God. A hunger that I hope I have as well. But why was David known as a man after God's own heart? What made him so truly great?

It wasn't because David took down Goliath or because he became king. It was because David was willing to be broken and humbled. The bible tells us that "the least will be greatest and the low will be lifted high." David spent much time alone with God, just as Jesus himself did. He guarded who and what he listened to, accepted help from the people around him, and listened and followed the direction of God. He leaned on God for strength, for everything really.

In order for us to be truly great, there are things we need to remember.

True greatness starts in solitude. Spending unrushed  time alone with God. Where you can truly listen to Him and receive His guidance and wise council. You see this with all of the great prophets. It comes from being faithful in the small things that God gives us. Like the parable of the 3 men and the talents. (Matt 25:14-30, Luke 19:12-28) It comes from a willingness to step outside of our comfort zone, be challenged and sometimes stepping away from our logical human perspective, accepting that God doesn't always work in ways that make sense to man. Allowing ourselves to be lead by humility instead of pride, helping those in need even when we think it is inconvenient, and receiving help from our loved ones even when we think we can do it on our own. True greatness comes from putting aside our human nature of being led by our emotions and living by the standards of this world and instead grabbing a hold of God's nature and standards. Remembering that we are not our own, but God's. We live this life, not for the whole world to see, but for an audience of one. God. Our focus should not be on pleasing the world but on pleasing him.

Surprisingly, to some, we do please God more often than we know. Like a parent finds pleasure in the smallest of their child's achievements, God does as well. It's what you do with those unplanned, unexpected moments. The smile you gave to the new person at whatever place you were. The penny you put in the donation jar for a charity that touches your heart. The fact that you got up this morning even when you wanted to stay in bed curled up until next weekend, month, year, or lifetime.

Yesterday I had a moment of knowing that I had pleased God. I sang at church yesterday, which meant I had to get there earlier than when I don't sing, for our practice. I had told my husband the night before that I wanted him to bring our kids and even stay so he could join us on a trip to the fire station afterwards. I got up, and was trying to figure out what to do. In my heart I kept thinking I should talk to him and make sure he was going to do what I wanted. I didn't want to do that. When I heard in my heart that I should start by getting my boys' clothes ready and get dressed myself, I decided that would be a good start. By the time I finished that, the urge inside of me won out against my own desire. I went and sat at the edge of our bed and asked my husband if he was going to do what I wanted him to do. I didn't want to do this, because I knew in my heart his answer already. I knew I couldn't count on him to bring the kids, which would ruin the field trip a friend of mine had planned. My husband doesn't go to church and doesn't like when he has to bring the kids for me. I asked him anyway and he confirmed that he wasn't going to do it. So I woke up my girls and then my boys. Everyone got ready and ate. Amazingly, we left on time, which we normally don't, and ended up arriving just a little early. It was one of the most peaceful mornings we've had in a long time. The rest of the day turned out pretty nice and peaceful as well. I know it was because of the obedience I chose, even though it wasn't what I had wanted.

One of my favorite things, the pastor quoted was "I am your shepherd and God is mine." What a great motto as a parent.  

God's Will Be Done

In 2008 my husband separated from the air force. As he prepared to do so he applied to the FAA. He looked at his options of places to go and I remember him bringing up going to Detroit. He felt that it was a possibly good idea. I remember being so adamantly against this idea. I thought it was horrible and dangerous and crazy! Plus, I wanted him to apply out west, so I could be close to my family for the first time since he'd joined the air force. Instead, he applied to Kentucky, with the hopes of getting a job in Cincinnati. It would've been a very easy move since we were in Dayton at the time. He had a friend who worked in Cincinnati and had checked out the facility and felt he had a good chance of going there. Instead, he got Lexington. He decided right away, that he would be applying else where in 3 years, when he was able to. So for the next 3 years, God blessed us where we were. But where were we?

The other night, while driving to church, my girls and I were talking about how, on Sunday, our pastor told a story about how his wife hadn't wanted to move out here either. It made us laugh because, that's how I was. But his wife prayed about it and God opened her heart, because this is where He wanted them to be. I on the other hand did not pray about it, when my husband brought up the idea. Was it possible that we had not been where He truly wanted us to be?

Fast forward to 2010 and my husband began looking at job openings, to transfer. Detroit was open and so was Boise, Idaho. I had been all about moving back to the Boise area or to Portland ever since we had moved away, 10 years before, unless of course my husband wanted to go overseas. My husband applied to both. Boise for me and Detroit, because really it was a better career choice for him. I still, very desperately wanted to move closer to "home" and to my family, because I hardly ever see them. However, this time, I began to pray wholeheartedly. I prayed for God's will, above mine and my husband's, be done. I prayed that He would bring us to the same conclusion and on to the same page. I prayed for Him to open our hearts to whatever direction He wanted us to go in and to soften our hearts. Lexington wasn't ready to let him go for another year, but sometimes it takes a while to line up a transfer, which is why my husband started looking and applying when he did. Boise was interested in him, but they didn't want to wait that long for him. Detroit on the other hand was more than happy to wait for his skills and talents. In 2011, God shut the door on Boise and opened wide the door to Detroit. Everything fell into place for us, although the house was a last minute thing that had us a little worried. 

The interesting thing to me, when my daughters and I were talking, were some of the details. The house we live in now was a foreclosure back in 2008, which means, the possibility stands that, we still could've had this house. And thinking about it, if my husband had gotten a job in Detroit back in 2008, we'd have quite a bit less debt than we do now. As I thought about these things and how some of the things God blessed us with when we did, eventually, come to this area, He could've blessed us with sooner, had I had a more prayerful and open heart. Does that mean He would've? Not necessarily. But what if God had wanted us here back then, and instead we ended up on a detour because my heart was so closed to His will and direction? God blessed us abundantly when we were in Kentucky, and I'm thankful for our time there. It was just interesting to me to think, that like the Israelites who ended up wandering the wilderness for 40 years before entering the promised land, I too took a detour. I took the longer road, to get to where God was trying to put me, because of my disobedience and lack of faith and trust in God and His plans. I shared this thought with my daughters along with the reminder to "pray about everything!"

I can't change the past or the choices I've made, but I'm thankful that God has touched my heart, grown me, and changed me in the ways the He has.

Pregnant Ponderings

Today as I spent some quiet time with God and my unborn baby, I thought about how, today I am calculated to be 31 weeks along. That means in 5 weeks my midwives will be comfortable with me birthing at home. It also means that I could easily have 10 weeks left til this baby arrives, considering both my sons were 41 weeks gestated when they decided to arrive Earthside. I'd really like baby not to wait that long, though I know people who've gone longer. At the same time, I'd prefer, for their sake, that they wait a little longer than 5 weeks. As I thought about this I began to think about how little I control all of this. I know with modern technology and mainstream living you can pick the day, even the hour, for your baby to arrive. I on the other hand have decided to go old school with a midwife, a homebirth (my 3rd.), and as few modern "luxuries" as possible. I do not know the day nor the hour in which my baby will be brought forth into my arms. Only God does. Kind of like God is the only one who knows the day, the hour, in which He will send His son to take us up into His arms. So many things point to God, at least for me and I am left amazed. This may seem like a simple, "Duh" kind of thing, but at the same time, I believe God uses simple, "Duh" stuff to remind us of His glory.