The Artist Within

I really wish I had the skills/talents to make the amazingly beautiful images I imagine tangible for others to see too. I invision these masterpieces and then can't do anything with them, because my artistic capabilities in no way could bring justice to the images in my head. I suppose I could try my hand at photography. Although, I'd need decent gear (at least) and all the props/costumes/etc... They're mainly faith inspired. But they are BEAUTIFUL! And I just wish I could share them with others. Even describing them doesn't bring justice to them. Although I suppose I could try my hand at writing stories based on them. I don't know.

In other news, school is still going great. I got another A in A&P! My kids are doing great. I really don't have much to say actually. Just "venting" my artistic "frustrations".

It's still been an emotional rollercoaster for me lately. Although some of those emotions finally just poured on out during a talk with my husband, which turned out to be a good thing for us. I don't like being emotional. It's embarrassing for me. But I am an overly sensitive person who has a lot of emotions. I think school has had an effect (affect?) on that. Not just by adding a new stress (but a good one) but also because I do believe that massage can help with the release of pent up emotions, which I have MORE than enough of.

The good news is I'm still loving school. I'm getting along great with my classmates. My kids are doing well. None of us have gotten sick or anything. And my marraige is doing better than I was worried about. I know that might not make any sense (how could I not know how it's doing) but my husband and I are almost polar opposites so sometimes, I'm not sure what's going on in his head and I know sometimes he really just doesn't get what's going on in mine. So it's really good that we sat down and talked yesterday.

In other news. Leaves are falling in bigger batches which totally thrills the kids. They LOVE raking the leaves up and making "eagle's nests" with them. Too cute! They each even have their own rakes. They're excited about Halloween, although I still have to finish 2 of their costumes! Their dad made candy apples with them the other day which they thought was really fun and they've been enjoying a lot of fall crafts and activities lately. I love it!

I've come to realize either I'm doing MUCH better at parenting with my son OR God is having pitty on me. My son is such a good baby. (My girls were too, but it's different) He isn't even 2 yet and knows that when he is done with his bath toys he needs to put them away. That when he is done in the tub (even though I'm right there) he needs to pull the plug AND put it on a little shelf. He throws things away when he's done with them, like bananas or what have you. He is just amazing! But with him I've done really well with putting my inhibitions aside and encouraging him to be helpful. Yeah I may have to deal with a mess or something now, but I discouraged my daughters for that very reason and now, it's a struggle getting them to help. I do also think that part of it with him is his love tank is almost always full. He gets slung instead of put in a stroller, he nurses still, he has a lot of mommy time and closeness. He also gets lots of closeness with his dad. With my girls, I weaned them before they were really ready, I put them in swings and strollers a lot. I just didn't hold them the way I do my son, because I didn't know any better. Thank God I co-slept with them, or I don't know how they'd be! I know "modern" parenting styles work for some people, but it is so not for me or my family.

I'm emotional. Not pregnant. Not on the pill, anymore... Yet emotional. Not normal for me. I'm crying at the drop of a hat. I'm really sensitive. Why? I'm stressed... What do I have to be stressed about? I'm home all the time and have the blessing to be homeschooling! I'm stressed over lots of things. Mostly things I shouldn't be. I've recently applied for a few jobs. I'm stressed over the idea of getting one and how that might affect (effect? I always forget when to use the a/e) school and my family dynamics. However, it would be benifical for us financially and for me independently. I'm also stressed over, what if I don't get a job? I look at our situation and really it is not bad at all, however, by my own personal desires and standards (For ME...) I would like to be doing better, because I know we CAN be. So far I've heard nothing and I know that I won't be getting one of the 3 jobs I've applied for. I'm stressed over school. I worry about forgetting to do the things that aren't due imediately and not having them when they are due. I'm worried about failing even though, currently, I'm doing fantastically. What if I forget the important things? What if I don't learn something? I know, it's pretty uncool to worry when I know how to NOT worry. They taught us some great techniques for overcoming these worries. So WHY am I still freaking out on the inside? I don't know. I think it's partially due to all the things I want and not knowing what I want the most, even when I lay out pros/cons and priorities. I'm indecisive. I do know that my family and school come first (after the Lord of course!) so if a job had a negative influence on either I'd have to let it go. What else am I stressed about? I suppose having non-imediate family living with us. It was my idea and it was a great idea. However, there are days where I think, y'know... But I want to help out as much as I can and that was why I came up with the idea in the first place. So we will see. I know I'm stressed over other things too, I'm just not sure what, yet. I've had moments where I've felt so low that I wondered, what benefit am I? What am I giving to this world or even to my family? I could never off myself (or anyone else) nor could I ever just walk out the door, but lately, I've seriously wondered if people would be better off without me. I mean what do I really do for others? My kids don't listen to me or respect me most of the time. And that is something I SHOULD'VE nipped in the bud a long time ago, but my husband and are I on 2 different planes in parenting and really most things. I spend a lot of time when I'm not working with the kids on learning or cleaning the house, doing nothing worth while. Somedays I wonder if I'm really helping the kids to learn anything. If it really was the right thing bringing them home. That answers gets confirmed everytime I consider the option of putting them into another school, though. So what do I do? I find a new way to work with them. That's what I do. I don't have a curriculum because they cost a chunk and I don't have that. So I've been doing what I can with what I do have. However, I've OBVIOUSLY been going about it the wrong way and am now making plans for a new way to go about it all. But it's stressful. Add to all that, that I haven't been sleeping well and I suppose that's why I'm having emotional breakdowns. As long as I'm not in seriously early menopause I suppose I'm ok.

Well, it's been a pretty good week. School is going great. My kids are doing well. I applied to a couple of jobs yesterday. I'm praying about that, if I get one, that God will give me the energy, strength, confidence, discipline, and courage to get it all done and done well. I'm nervous and scared about it. The benefits are the reason I'm going this route, but it's also another big weight to carry.

Took the family out to the pumpkin patches the other day. Checked out one orchard, but decided to go to a different one. I love picking our own stuff. Plan to make pumpkin pie from scratch. We do it every year. Made apple pie lastnight. Although we did do store bought dough.

The weather has been great, in my opinion, lately. I love rain (and snow, but we haven't had any of that).

I've got some of one costume made. I don't know if I'm going to meet my goal of getting them done by Monday. Of course, sitting here isn't getting them done. haha

Class is going wonderfully, aside from our touch history excersize. That was difficult and I'm glad it's over. But other than that I'm Loving class!!!! Tonight we got to practice Swedish massage. I was surprised at how quickly 1 hour goes for the practitioner! It was cool! To top that off, I didn't have dinner, but that's ok because people from one of the other classes brought lots of food and shared with my class. That was really nice of them and yep, I felt like God was looking out for me. It was good stuff too.

School has been AWESOME! I love it and the people I interact with there. So far I'm loving every class, even anatomy and physiology. I'm really excited about everything I'll be learning. I'm even feeling a little more confident that I just might be capable of really learning all the details I need to. I actually enjoy studying for school, for the most part.

My family seems to be handling my schooling really well, which is wonderful. My son will stand in the door waving bye-bye to me and blowing me kisses, instead of crying. He knows mommy will be back in a little bit. My girls miss me a lot but have learned I WILL come tuck them in when I get home which is good. The dog is the one who still needs to learn that he does NOT have to maul me the moment I walk through the door.

I've been really tired this week, though and haven't been sleeping well. Thankfully it isn't causing too many issues with school, other than I'm sure I looked like a zombie lastnight. However, I did take in A LOT of what she was teaching (which is why I'm excited). Also been feeling emotional, like I could just sit down somewhere and start crying. I'm not pregnant, though. Although I'm considering not taking the pill anymore. I'm remembering multiple reasons why I stopped using it in the first place. My body just does not like chemical contraceptives. I don't know if it's the pill that's causing the emotions. I doubt it since I just started feeling that way. But I don't know. It could be the serious weather change, from sunny and toasty to cloudy, wet, and cold. Although I love cloudy, wet, cold weather more... It could be stress. I do get stressed easily sometimes. I mean with school and homeschooling and housecleaning etc... that's a lot of weight to bare. How do those who work, homeschool, and go to school, while keeping a clean house etc... do it all?? You people are amazing!!! Especially those of you who are single and managing. Whether you homeschool or not. I know some people in that situation and it's rough. These are some strong people. Yep... I'm a little random. hahaha