Tuesday, June 28, 2011
June 28, 2011
I DID IT!! I passed my National certification exam!!! I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of me. I was surprised by how freaked out I was about it today, but I felt totally nervous and doubtful earlier. When it was over, I thought I had failed, but amazingly I passed!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
June 25, 2011
For the past few days I've had wanderlust. I want to go somewhere different and have an adventure. It happens from time to time. Sometimes it's a craving for adventure in unknown (to me) territory. Another country or something, usually. Sometimes it's the feeling of being called back to a place I've been and enjoyed. A place I miss. For example, the PNW. I miss the air. There is something about the air there, that is different than any other part of the states, that I've been to.
Today, I've been married 10 years. A whole decade. I'm sure that is part of where this is stemming from today. If nothing else mattered. If my family didn't care if we owned a home, had animals, etc... I honestly think I'd like to be a missionary. Traveling all over the world and sharing God's love, just appeals to me. Not like the crusaders did, of course, but through positive actions. There is so much more to living than what some societies seem to believe.
Today, I've been married 10 years. A whole decade. I'm sure that is part of where this is stemming from today. If nothing else mattered. If my family didn't care if we owned a home, had animals, etc... I honestly think I'd like to be a missionary. Traveling all over the world and sharing God's love, just appeals to me. Not like the crusaders did, of course, but through positive actions. There is so much more to living than what some societies seem to believe.
Monday, June 20, 2011
June 20, 2011
A new perspective. I've been dealing with a lot of feelings towards my mom and things that have happened in my life lately. See, I asked God to open me up and clean me out. To remove any bitterness, anger, unforgiveness and to heal my broken heart. I knew there was stuff locked away that needed to be faced. I know it is still "Just the beginning". God is answering that prayer and I have been remembering things that I'd locked away. I've been experiencing feelings I'd refused to before. Then yesterday, at church, they preached on the importance of a father's role in a child's life. It was a great message that made me think of my mom, too. And it struck me. A new perspective of my mom.
Imagine your a young woman, in her late teens, who during a time of rebellion gets married. You're husband loves you, in a way, but the two of you don't seem to really click. It doesn't help that you aren't in agreement on many things, including spirituality. On top of that you're in a foreign country, far away from family and with very few friends. This was back before you could just shoot an email or call long distance for pretty much nothing. You know, back when long distance cost an arm and a leg or you could try snail mail. You also have 2 young one's. Things aren't as peachy as you wished they'd be. Your daughter has been known to tell you she hates you and "runs away". (usually hiding under the dinner table, because she is too scared to actually run away) Your son is angry a lot and violent. You don't understand. You don't know what to do. You know that inside he is a sweet wonderful boy. You've seen him be that boy. What did you do wrong. Why is it that no matter what you try to do, it doesn't seem to fix the problems. You feel alone and so far from God. You're husband works a lot and when he is home, he doesn't seem to help much, instead choosing to do what is important to him, personally. You feel broken, hopeless. You often break and get angry, taking it out on your kids, when they push the right buttons. You know where you learned it. From your own mom. Why? You feel angry towards her but feel guilty over it, because you aren't supposed to. Same with your feelings towards your husband. You want things to be one way, your family to be picturesque. Or at least closer to it. When you look at them and at things, you see they are no where near what you hoped for and you don't know what to do. You take it personally and take it all on your shoulders, blaming yourself, because you know there are things you could've done better, should've done better, and maybe if things were different you would've done them better. I don't know about you, but often, I can relate to this woman. That woman is my mom. Her life isn't like that now. She has a new husband, who shares her faith and clicks with her better. She has 2 other children who have never known foreign soil, the pain of a broken home, or the darkest times of their mother. They have a more picturesque life than we had. They are happier and she is doing better. Sometimes I feel jealous of them, but when I let go of that I can't help but be happy for them. I helped raise them for a short while and wouldn't want any less for them. She is no longer poor in life, but rich. Maybe not with money, but with so many other things that are more important. She still has her own demons to fight and her own healing to be had, but I feel like I understand her, at least a little bit more now.
Imagine your a young woman, in her late teens, who during a time of rebellion gets married. You're husband loves you, in a way, but the two of you don't seem to really click. It doesn't help that you aren't in agreement on many things, including spirituality. On top of that you're in a foreign country, far away from family and with very few friends. This was back before you could just shoot an email or call long distance for pretty much nothing. You know, back when long distance cost an arm and a leg or you could try snail mail. You also have 2 young one's. Things aren't as peachy as you wished they'd be. Your daughter has been known to tell you she hates you and "runs away". (usually hiding under the dinner table, because she is too scared to actually run away) Your son is angry a lot and violent. You don't understand. You don't know what to do. You know that inside he is a sweet wonderful boy. You've seen him be that boy. What did you do wrong. Why is it that no matter what you try to do, it doesn't seem to fix the problems. You feel alone and so far from God. You're husband works a lot and when he is home, he doesn't seem to help much, instead choosing to do what is important to him, personally. You feel broken, hopeless. You often break and get angry, taking it out on your kids, when they push the right buttons. You know where you learned it. From your own mom. Why? You feel angry towards her but feel guilty over it, because you aren't supposed to. Same with your feelings towards your husband. You want things to be one way, your family to be picturesque. Or at least closer to it. When you look at them and at things, you see they are no where near what you hoped for and you don't know what to do. You take it personally and take it all on your shoulders, blaming yourself, because you know there are things you could've done better, should've done better, and maybe if things were different you would've done them better. I don't know about you, but often, I can relate to this woman. That woman is my mom. Her life isn't like that now. She has a new husband, who shares her faith and clicks with her better. She has 2 other children who have never known foreign soil, the pain of a broken home, or the darkest times of their mother. They have a more picturesque life than we had. They are happier and she is doing better. Sometimes I feel jealous of them, but when I let go of that I can't help but be happy for them. I helped raise them for a short while and wouldn't want any less for them. She is no longer poor in life, but rich. Maybe not with money, but with so many other things that are more important. She still has her own demons to fight and her own healing to be had, but I feel like I understand her, at least a little bit more now.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
June 18, 2011
"God never said it would be easy."
I hear, and read, that phrase quite often. Today, it was true for me. It's not like it was a difficult day, just a more aware day. I woke up and my mind started racing to all the thoughts it usually does. Anxieties, fears, worries, to-dos, etc. Then a calm came over me and the word "Stop." whispered through me, gently. Immediately I realized why. I have a goal of letting go of everything and giving it all to God. After all the bible doesn't say "Seek ye first the things that may or may not happen tomorrow or next week or month or year or even decade." It doesn't say "Focus on why your plans for the day have been ruined, due to the rain." It doesn't say "Stay here and curl up until the feelings of desperation disappear." Nope. What it does say is "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness." From the moment I wake up til the moment I lose consciousness in the depths of sleep, I want to seek God and His righteousness. To ever be in worship of Him. To be always present in His presence. I won't find that in my obsession of "When will our house sell?" "Will we be able to get this house that I want?" "How do I convince my husband that we should homeschool and that things should be this way or that way." Normally I talk and talk trying to get my words through, but the bible says that the best way to win a person is through our actions. Not through actively trying to force a person to change, but through allowing yourself to change while leaving the other person and their choices in the hands of God. God has been moving in my heart so much lately. Times when I'd normally speak up and chatter away in vain, I've instead managed to remain silent and give my anxieties, fears, and worries to the Lord. I'm still very new at this though, so of course I'm not always successful with it and even as I get better I'll still slip up from time to time. Freedom. It's my word for this year. Freedom of fear is my biggest challenge. In it lies all the other things I need to be freed from. It is the foundation of what stands between me and complete spiritual freedom.
I hear, and read, that phrase quite often. Today, it was true for me. It's not like it was a difficult day, just a more aware day. I woke up and my mind started racing to all the thoughts it usually does. Anxieties, fears, worries, to-dos, etc. Then a calm came over me and the word "Stop." whispered through me, gently. Immediately I realized why. I have a goal of letting go of everything and giving it all to God. After all the bible doesn't say "Seek ye first the things that may or may not happen tomorrow or next week or month or year or even decade." It doesn't say "Focus on why your plans for the day have been ruined, due to the rain." It doesn't say "Stay here and curl up until the feelings of desperation disappear." Nope. What it does say is "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness." From the moment I wake up til the moment I lose consciousness in the depths of sleep, I want to seek God and His righteousness. To ever be in worship of Him. To be always present in His presence. I won't find that in my obsession of "When will our house sell?" "Will we be able to get this house that I want?" "How do I convince my husband that we should homeschool and that things should be this way or that way." Normally I talk and talk trying to get my words through, but the bible says that the best way to win a person is through our actions. Not through actively trying to force a person to change, but through allowing yourself to change while leaving the other person and their choices in the hands of God. God has been moving in my heart so much lately. Times when I'd normally speak up and chatter away in vain, I've instead managed to remain silent and give my anxieties, fears, and worries to the Lord. I'm still very new at this though, so of course I'm not always successful with it and even as I get better I'll still slip up from time to time. Freedom. It's my word for this year. Freedom of fear is my biggest challenge. In it lies all the other things I need to be freed from. It is the foundation of what stands between me and complete spiritual freedom.
Friday, June 17, 2011
June 17, 2011
This week has been very interesting and wonderful. A week of growth and perspective changes. A week of peace, joy, and comfort. A week learning about truly worshiping the Lord and working towards loving unconditionally. I feel like I'm not the same person I was last week and that I'm continuing to grow further and further away from who I've been towards who I am in the Lord.
Tonight was our 2nd family worship night. It's still rough around the edges and in need of some adjustments, but definitely better than last week's turned out. I know in my heart that this is an important endeavor for our family. God has a plan for our family worship nights and I just praised Him for it. I know many Christians, including myself, who have thought they know God, but never really showed that relationship outside of church. Now, I know that I may have known God a little, but I've never give myself over to God the way I have this week and boy what a difference that makes in a person's life! I suggest, for those who are interested, take the time to put everything else aside and allow yourself to truly be present in the presence of God. "For I know the plans I have for you." This is a scripture that just struck my heart, though I don't remember where it's at.
Tonight was our 2nd family worship night. It's still rough around the edges and in need of some adjustments, but definitely better than last week's turned out. I know in my heart that this is an important endeavor for our family. God has a plan for our family worship nights and I just praised Him for it. I know many Christians, including myself, who have thought they know God, but never really showed that relationship outside of church. Now, I know that I may have known God a little, but I've never give myself over to God the way I have this week and boy what a difference that makes in a person's life! I suggest, for those who are interested, take the time to put everything else aside and allow yourself to truly be present in the presence of God. "For I know the plans I have for you." This is a scripture that just struck my heart, though I don't remember where it's at.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
June 16, 2011
Ok, I didn't get on here the past few days, so obviously didn't write about the stuff we learned in church. I don't have my papers with me, right now, either. So I'll write, instead, about my life.
First of all, the kids and I entered stuff into the county fair this week. So excited. Went to check it all out Tuesday night. My older boy got 3rd place for his cookies. My younger daughter got 2nd place for her cookies and 3rd place for her art. My older daughter got 2 participant ribbons, one for art and the other for her cookies, and nothing for her photograph. She was pretty disappointed and upset, but she also didn't put much effort into the art or photograph and her cookies were all crushed by the time she went to turn them in. I think it was the mini m&ms she used. I got nothing for one of my sewn projects, but the other, along with my cookies, came in 2nd. So I was very happy. Last year I entered jewelry and came in 3rd.
I'm also excited about school. I turned in my last homework assignment yesterday and only have 3 more shifts, national cert exam, 1 more class, and then I graduate! After that I'll, hopefully, be getting my infant massage instructor certification.
God has blessed me so much this week. Not only are things going well, in life, but also in my spirit. Sunday's services left me feeling like God was talking to me personally. We discussed worship. What is it? It's not just singing. It's not just saying "I praise you God" it's about being present and available to God. Not just being in His presence, but "gracing" Him with ours. You can stand in church singing the songs and saying over and over "I praise you! You are holy!" etc, but if your heart isn't in it, it has no meaning. Last night's service was about God's will. We worry so much about details. "God, is it your will that I buy THIS house? God is it your will that I work at THIS place?" that sometimes we forget that God gives us choices and not all of them are bad or wrong. If you like that house and will serve God there just as well as you would at that other house, then God probably isn't too bothered by which house you take. If you'll serve God just as well through this job as you would through a different one, then again, God is probably cool with which ever. It's not about WHAT, it's about HOW. How will you let God lead you? Where will you let God lead you? When will you let God lead you? "Whatever you do, do everything for the glory of the Lord." Don't ask "Am I in your will, Lord?" ask "Am I being led by you, Lord" I've also been reading "Fearless" by Max Lucado. I highly recommend it. There is so much in there that I'm finding comfort in. And finding things to pray about and thank God for. My biggest prayer right now is that as God continues to grow me, I will find freedom from fear and from the cares of this world, that I might trust in the Lord and worship Him continuously. Many have said they are saved, yet few have truly given themselves to Him. I want to fully and completely give myself to God.
First of all, the kids and I entered stuff into the county fair this week. So excited. Went to check it all out Tuesday night. My older boy got 3rd place for his cookies. My younger daughter got 2nd place for her cookies and 3rd place for her art. My older daughter got 2 participant ribbons, one for art and the other for her cookies, and nothing for her photograph. She was pretty disappointed and upset, but she also didn't put much effort into the art or photograph and her cookies were all crushed by the time she went to turn them in. I think it was the mini m&ms she used. I got nothing for one of my sewn projects, but the other, along with my cookies, came in 2nd. So I was very happy. Last year I entered jewelry and came in 3rd.
I'm also excited about school. I turned in my last homework assignment yesterday and only have 3 more shifts, national cert exam, 1 more class, and then I graduate! After that I'll, hopefully, be getting my infant massage instructor certification.
God has blessed me so much this week. Not only are things going well, in life, but also in my spirit. Sunday's services left me feeling like God was talking to me personally. We discussed worship. What is it? It's not just singing. It's not just saying "I praise you God" it's about being present and available to God. Not just being in His presence, but "gracing" Him with ours. You can stand in church singing the songs and saying over and over "I praise you! You are holy!" etc, but if your heart isn't in it, it has no meaning. Last night's service was about God's will. We worry so much about details. "God, is it your will that I buy THIS house? God is it your will that I work at THIS place?" that sometimes we forget that God gives us choices and not all of them are bad or wrong. If you like that house and will serve God there just as well as you would at that other house, then God probably isn't too bothered by which house you take. If you'll serve God just as well through this job as you would through a different one, then again, God is probably cool with which ever. It's not about WHAT, it's about HOW. How will you let God lead you? Where will you let God lead you? When will you let God lead you? "Whatever you do, do everything for the glory of the Lord." Don't ask "Am I in your will, Lord?" ask "Am I being led by you, Lord" I've also been reading "Fearless" by Max Lucado. I highly recommend it. There is so much in there that I'm finding comfort in. And finding things to pray about and thank God for. My biggest prayer right now is that as God continues to grow me, I will find freedom from fear and from the cares of this world, that I might trust in the Lord and worship Him continuously. Many have said they are saved, yet few have truly given themselves to Him. I want to fully and completely give myself to God.
Monday, June 13, 2011
June 12, 2011
Today has been interesting for our family. It was a great day and evening in church. I loved both the services and will write about them tomorrow. We got our cookies baked for the county fair, which is exciting. However, this evening before church, my husband discovered our cat laying under the rose bush. He hasn't been doing very well. The vet took an xray that showed abnormalities in his lungs, but they didn't have a diagnosis for him. He became very thin and seemed to lose his appetite. Taking a closer look at our cat, my husband realized he wasn't breathing or moving. He had passed on. I was never a fan of this cat, I'll be honest. He always peed on my clothes, if they were on the floor. Not so much on other people's clothes. Just my clothes and the towels. Really pissed me off. I was surprised at how sad I feel and how I already miss him. He had stopped peeing on my stuff recently when we got him a litter pan for the bathroom upstairs, but it was also after he took a turn for the worst. We've had him for 7 and a half years now. It was hard watching my husband and daughters "put him to rest". It was heartbreaking seeing my girls cry and watching them make special secret letters to bury with him. We have a dog also. It made us realize, as death usually reminds us, that we need to appreciate and love those who are in our lives, while they still are. What good is it to love someone AFTER they are gone. They'll never know. So love them NOW while they are HERE and can embrace that love.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
June 11, 2011
Feeling blessed today. I slept better last night, than I have in a while. Today, I'm feeling accomplished for the few things I've gotten done. They seemed minor at first, but turned out to be fairly big jobs. Got called back about the interview I had to do for class. It was my last homework assignment and now I just need to type it up. I'm almost done! So excited! Getting that interview out of the way was a surprising relief. I didn't realize how much it was weighing on me. I'm not stressing about our house, because I KNOW all of that stuff is in God's hands and is already taken care of. I just feel really good and happy today. Allowing myself to recognize such a deep root of anger and pain yesterday and working towards giving it over to God is so healing. I will continue on in prayer and in faith knowing that my God is with me, always.
Friday, June 10, 2011
June 10, 201
Tonight was our first family worship night. Of course it didn't go as smoothly as I would've liked, but God still met me here. We started with prayer. One daughter had a request, for our 9 year old cat who doesn't seem to have much time left. We prayed. Then my other daughter read a scripture from Jeremiah. After that, we took turns leading a song. My older son was out to destroy things though, so I was getting frustrated. I prayed about it and against it. I was upset, because I was reminding myself of my mother. I just kept getting angrier. I felt like I was spiritually under attack and losing big time. My kids went outside to play and I prayed "WHY was I like this? Why was I so angry? Why did I feel so spiritually heavy? All I want is for my family to come together and worship in unity." and God answered. I have so much anger and pain built up inside of me that it has turned into hate. Today it was the hate I have for the person my mother chose to be, that weighed me down so strongly. I hate the choices that she made. I haven't forgiven her for any of it. I've never allowed myself to deal with any of that, because it is wrong. It's wrong to be angry with people, even when they hurt us. It's wrong to have negative feelings about your parents, even if they were the worst parents in the world. Mine weren't, by any means. We're supposed to be loving and forgiving, accepting and supportive. The problem is God never said we wouldn't feel that way, He just said to bring those feelings to him and I never really have. I cried bitterly, praying not only for God's forgiveness, but for the Lord to open my eyes to see my mother through his eyes and to have the courage to forgive her. That I would have the strength to pray for her in faith believing what God can do in her heart and in her life. As I prayed I felt some of that heavy weight lifting up off of me, out of me. At the same time I felt God whisper to me, "This is just the beginning". When my communion with the Lord was finished and I had wiped away the tears, this song came on K-LOVE and reminded me that God is healing me.:
Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You
CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You
CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Thursday, June 9, 2011
June 9, 20111
God says, I will meet all your needs according to the riches of My Glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)
This is the scripture for Proverb 31 Ministries devotion of the day. For me, it is a reminder that I need to trust in the Lord, through all the trials and tribulations that come my way. To have faith that HE knows what I NEED and that HE provides for me. Instead of allowing myself to be distracted by the temptations of this world that separate me from God, I need to allow myself to fall into the arms of the Lord.God will get e through the storms of this life to the brighter days on the other side.
This is the scripture for Proverb 31 Ministries devotion of the day. For me, it is a reminder that I need to trust in the Lord, through all the trials and tribulations that come my way. To have faith that HE knows what I NEED and that HE provides for me. Instead of allowing myself to be distracted by the temptations of this world that separate me from God, I need to allow myself to fall into the arms of the Lord.God will get e through the storms of this life to the brighter days on the other side.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The song of the day
Possibly the song of the upcoming chapter of my life. I don't know. All I know is that this song played EVERY time I got in my car today and it really struck me.
I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, Ill keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face
(Chorus)
When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (I'm gonna move)
Ive got to hold 'er steady
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/move-lyrics-mercy-me.html ]
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change
This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything is about to change
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face
(Chorus)
No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat (x2)
I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face
I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, Ill keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face
(Chorus)
When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (I'm gonna move)
Ive got to hold 'er steady
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/move-lyrics-mercy-me.html ]
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change
This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything is about to change
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face
(Chorus)
No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat (x2)
I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
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