The Immaturity in Me

I've always appreciated the gift I have to connect with people regardless of age. In high school I had the attitude, if you are nice to me I will be nice to you. Only once, that I can think of, did I wave my seniority over another student to put them in their place.

However, I also have the gift of being able to empathize all too well with others, taking on their feelings. This is a huge issue for me and in negative situations can lead to a destructive path. Most of the time, I don't even realize I am doing it.

For one, it often leads to issues in my relationships with others. Recently, I realized, it also impacts my ability to be a good minister to others.

My most recent example is a young girl, who is desperately hungry for approval. I found myself complaining about how annoying she is, when a friend of mine suggested her need for attention. As I thought on what my friend said and the fact that my own daughters are her age, I accepted a truth about myself. I, all too often, drop myself to the level of others. Whether I'm fighting with my children as though I were one of them, or I decide I don't like someone, because they don't like me.

If I continue to behave in such an immature fashion, how will I ever be able to use this teaching opportunity to help this young girl grow into a wonderful woman? And so it is with my own children. If I continue to behave like them, a child, how will I assist them in becoming well rounded, healthy adults.

It was a week after talking to my friend, when our Pastor asked for prayer requests. At first no one said anything. "Really? No one has anything they need prayer for?" he asked. My hand shot up and I confessed. "I need prayer for my childish behavior."

Some people commended me for my bravery at this confession. It did take courage, I personally did not possess, to actually talk about my faults in such a way. Yet, I don't believe I should be admired for it. I believe the credit is all His. I know it was the Holy Spirit moving in my heart. I know that prayer is being answered, as this week my attitude has been, better towards this young lady and I've found that I wasn't the only one who felt so unkindly towards her. I now am adding to the prayer the movement of the Holy Spirit in our hearts, to be able to confess our sins one to another, that we might receive strength and courage to overcome them, together. As well as allowing ourselves to put our "feelings" aside that we might positively touch the lives of those around us. To act towards each other with unconditional positive regard.

Ninety Percent

I have been overwhelmed by all my wants, desires, feelings, etc... for a very long time. I've been praying and asking God what should I be doing, while at the same time pursuing what I thought I should be doing.

This Sunday, as I sat in the pew, after service, God answered me, yet again. Just as He had to do with our forefathers (and mothers), He has had to remind me over and over, because I'm dreadful at remembering. Speaking through a wonderful woman, He spoke to my heart. She told me of how she once read, in a book, (this is the not exactly version) that we should take our top 3 priorities and dedicate 90% of our focus to them. Whatever falls to the wayside falls, as long as those 3 things are strong.

It's easy to say that my top 3 priorities in life are 1. God 2. Family 3. My homestead. However, when assessing my priorities and focus, I had to admit, they are the things that go to the wayside most often. Some may ask how that is possible, when I give so much of my time to fellowship, homeschooling my children, and being at home. The answer, my body may be here, but my heart and mind have wandered.

It is my goal and my hope that, as I continue to grow in this life, that my yeses will be yeses and my nos nos. That I will be better and better at letting go and letting things fall to the wayside, in order to not sacrifice my top 3 priorities. For what good is it, if I gain the whole world, but have lost these things? I've allowed myself to be distracted by lesser things and have missed out on enough already. I see that this is an opportunity for me to learn to follow through and give all I am and all I have, and then some, if I'm willing to do the hard work.

Yesterday, I set my phone aside, and I watched through out the day as my boys wrestled and played. I watched as Blessing #5 chased our chickens around, trying to pet them. Then I saw Blessings #3 and 4 try to protect #5 from our turkey toms before climbing the gate into our chicken, run leaving Blessing #5 crying on the outside. I took pictures of the flour disaster they left all over my kitchen last night.

Today I spent the day doing my best to give my focus to them.We picked mulberries together, collecting just over a small bucket full. Blessing #5, wearing just his birthday suit, became covered in mulberry juice stains, and possibly poison ivy. Blessing #4 was eating berries here and there and licking juice, from smashed berries, off of his fingers. As I worked on making mulberry leather, I could hear them, and glance over to see them, playing with their legos together or wrestling around and building forts out of cushions, blankets, and chairs.

Though, I got frustrated with the messes they made, I can look back on today, on yesterday, as successes. Successes in focusing on my top priorities.

It doesn't matter if I have to say no to others, or have to wait to do something I really *want* to do, or get something I really *want* to have, etc... what matters is how I invest in my relationship with God, my connections with my family, and the care and appreciation of everything God has given me stewardship over.

How Blinded We Are by Our Foolish Pride.

  It amazes me, how foolish I've been over my lifetime. All the things I missed appreciating, because of my blindness. It makes sense that we don't know what we've got until it is gone.

   I came across a couple of cards my husband gave me years ago. One was a birthday card, the other an anniversary card. Both with similar sentiments, "I'll love you forever." I'm not a big crier, but I felt a little dew creep to the surface of my eyes.

    Candidly speaking, I didn't believe him, when he gave me the cards. I was too busy holding tight to the baggage I had enter into our marriage with. Baggage that, until recently, weighed me down and had me living as though it was only a matter of time.

    Sometimes, it takes a good "slap in the face", to wake us up to see beyond our clouded perspectives. Especially when someone is as stubborn as I am. Thank God, He knows how to get my attention, even if it takes a decade or so.

     As the storm that was brewing, has settled down, though, I doubt it is over quite yet, I find it more difficult to remember to lean on Him. How easily we forget. Yet, He doesn't stop drawing me back, reminding me that, in the rain and in the shine I am His and He is mine.

     So often, I look at life as though it's all about here. Lately, however, He has been stirring in me that, all these things are really about Him. That it isn't really about my relationship with my husband, but about my relationship with God. After all Matthew 6:33 states that we are to "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness."

      When our relationship, with God, becomes a priority, treated with the utmost passion, desire, and dedication, He takes care of the rest. He is our healer, our portion, our ever present help in time of need. He has certainly been faithful to me as I have needed Him, even when I think I don't.

       As my relationship with Him grows, my understanding of love grows, making me more capable of loving my husband and letting go of petty things and wrong expectations, and helping me to see past what he *should* be doing to "What am I doing?". I'm finding the courage to believe, hope, and to trust God, with everything. I still have a long ways to go, but I find peace in knowing that I am on the path towards success.

      Knowing that God can change us, just as He changed Saul/Paul, it's amazing and it fills me with joy and delight. It feels good to at least scratch the surface, and to hunger after going deeper. God is mighty and when He moves, if we are willing, He will do miraculous things.

Discipline

"Tweet! Tweet! Tweet! Tweetweetweetweet!" The song of the birds, wandering through the window, as the sun comes up over the horizon. The air isn't humid and heavy, just yet, but nice and cool. The family is still caught up in their subconscious adventures. I sit, with God, and breath. I am at peace.

This is how my days have been starting and I must say, it has been a pure blessing to open up such a fresh start. To check my attitude and assess and prepare myself for the journey that is beginning. Allowing myself to prayerfully decide what goals I will pursue this day.

I'm not used to living day by day, moment by moment. I'm often found in my thoughts and pondering the should be and could be. But God is changing me, morning by morning, day by day. With tomorrow not being guaranteed, I am striving to live today to the fullest.

In these weeks, that the Lord has been growing this appreciation within me, I've been privy to the view of the changes in my family as well. The attitudes, the frustrations, the fighting are all dissipating and love and kindness have been growing.

It delights my heart to know, that as I become more disciplined in my own heart and mind, my children see how to do it more and more.

I was recently reading the Dr. Sears "The Discipline Book". I've at least skimmed through this book before, thinking, "This is great and all, but I'm too late and my children must already be doomed." This time however, I'm realizing what is more important than trying to discipline my children, is learning to be disciplined myself. After all, how can I give my children, what I do not already possess? And so, I venture into a quest to become more aware and grow the discipline within myself, that my children may be able to see and learn as I grow and change.

My words may be as many as the stars in the skies, but they will not have the imprint upon my children in the same powerful way as my actions.

The Dutiful Wife

I've spent my marriage leaning on the modern day thinking that the "dutiful wife" is a misogynistic ideal that women should fight against. I've allowed resentment to build up over all that I think my husband expects of me and my unmet expectations of him.

The thing is, I didn't even realize how much I was doing this, let alone how horribly it was impacting my marriage.

It wasn't until one friend, recently, advised me to take a look at myself, to ask myself, what am I truly happy doing? What is it that makes me feel the most like me. I began to reflect on the way I've been living. Honestly what makes me happy is God, family, friends, music, and art in all different forms. Yet hardly any of my time is being spent on such investments. So where has my time, attention, and energy been going? Into my resentment.

As I began to acknowledge the areas in my life that have been poisoned, by this idea that my husband owes me, for staying home and raising our children, my eyes began to open to other revelations.

Talking to a different friend, softened my heart and freed my mind to an understanding I think my generation is so blind to. The idea of what the "dutiful wife" truly is. It is not the idea that the woman is somehow less than the man. That she is of little value and must earn what value she does hold. No, the truth is that the dutiful wife is a woman who understands the value of time. She is willing to invest in holding up her career with honor and passion. She appreciates the importance of having real free time with her husband and her family.

I've known many women who feel that her husband's day job is just one thing. In some cases these women have had the same attitude many have of homemakers. The truth is, our husbands are sacrificing time with their families to provide for us. Though we do not owe them, we should want to give them, the freedom to come home, relax and enjoy the ones they are working so hard for. Whether we believe their job is difficult or not, I ask, how many of us women think it is easy to go to work and leave behind our children, our spouses? It isn't! That is why women struggle so much with the decision to work or not to! Men are often expected to regardless. The decision isn't so available to them, as it is to women.

I am learning, now, what it means to be joyful in what I do. I may not like the tasks, but they are worth completing in order to be able to have more quality time with my family in the long run. Not only that, but a change in thinking, a change in attitude, about what it is we are doing and why, will change the attitude of our children as well. When we carry the mindset of "Why can't he do this?" or "This is his job not mine" are we not teaching our children to be the same way when we ask them or tell them to do something? "Why should I?"

It's time for us to wear the honor of being dutiful wives, to turn from this idea that our spouses day job isn't enough. That somehow he has to earn time with his family, and a place in his home, by doing things at home. If we are going to take on the career of homemaker then let us do it with all our hearts, throwing out foolish notions and ideals, and taking advantage of our opportunities, to make our families stronger, healthier, and happier.

6 am, but I'm Not Lonely

      Over the past couple of weeks, I've been waking up, usually, between 6 and 7 am. No alarm, or anything. It takes me a few minutes, sometimes a while, to actually get out of bed. I lay there and thank the Lord for our quiet times together. I've really needed them.

       As I make my way down the gently sunlit stairs, I can hear the songs of the birds, praising Him. I grab my black pew bible, my pastor offers to anyone who doesn't have their own, and curl up, on the couch, in the corner of our fireplace room.

       I continue my conversation with my Abba Father. It's another beautiful day. The light, that lays across my house, is peaceful and welcoming. The sounds of the morning, like a joyous chorus, greeting the new day. I know God is saying "Good morning. I love you. Have a blessed day."

       I feel tired, achey, and exhausted, yet I have 2 choices. The first to just fall asleep. The other, to put away my desires for those of my God. I choose to open His word and begin reading, where I left off the day before. Every morning something speaks to me and it's just what I need for the day, although, many days I lose focus. When I realize I'm losing my grasp, I turn my eyes towards heaven I call out. He is there already, waiting to pick me back up. I'm getting better and better about turning to Him, and letting go of my own understanding, but it is still something I have to work towards.

        With our morning "snuggles" enjoyed, I go out and care for our animals. Admittedly, that has been an off and on thing. Sometimes my husband carries that duty. I might tend our garden while I'm out there as well. If I'm really motivated, I may even run a little. (If you can call it running. :) )

          If the children haven't awoken, before I return from my outdoor responsibilities, I start doing what I can to freshen up the house, though I know moments after they descend my house will be in ruins yet again. No one may ever know the work I put into the care of my home, or my family, aside from God and myself, but that's what is most important. So, I do my best to do what I do unto the Lord, because I will never make everyone happy, but I can choose to be happy and joyfilled in my King. It still takes a lot of work with this as well. Plenty of times I fail. I fail everyday at something, though.

         That's why I need these mornings more than I need sleep, for He gives rest to my soul. I need them more than I need breakfast, for He is the bread of life. He is my strength and my refuge. The lifter up of my soul. I may be going through trials and tribulations, or maybe I think everything is all peaches and cream in the world, regardless, my God is with me and I want to be in Him as He is in me. I love the song 'Come to the River'. I believe these mornings are my opportunity to start fresh and take a spiritual shower in the river of God's love.

Swing Batter Batter

It's not easy to admit our faults and accept criticism from others. Sometimes it takes years, even decades, before the message sinks into our thick skulls. But it's true, we all have faults. We all have weaknesses.

One of mine is finishing what I start. I come by this honestly, as my mother has the same issue. It's not that I can't finish a project and many times I do, but enough times, I dream and plan and then nothing comes of it. This happens for various reasons. Sometimes, it's the realization of the cost. Other times it's fear, doubt, and procrastination. And sometimes, it's because I get sidetracked. That actually happens a lot.

The thing is, God has been bringing this weakness to my attention over and over, for the past few months, using different tactics. I know it's something that needs to change. There are so many "projects" I've started that should be completed. God has a purpose for them.

What is it that you have started but, for some reason, haven't finished? What might happen if you actually did finish? Those are questions I have asked myself. It's a long list.

It's time for me to step up to the plate, stop planning, and start swinging the bat. I just pray God gives me the strength, courage, boldness, etc. that I need to reach the finish line. Not just with my projects, or with the things I have going on or want to have going on in this life, but for that moment when I step across the line, and leave this life behind.

When I go, I want to be able to say, "I tried and I fought. I didn't quit or give up, even though many times I thought I would."

Now is the time to make things happen and let God deal with the anxieties and overwhelming feelings.

Prayers appreciated, because I could use the strength of agreement.

Trouble Sleeping

It's one of those nights, where I can't seem to fall asleep, though I am tired.

The rumbling snores of others, combined with my racing thoughts, drive me far from sleep. It always seems to happen when I have somewhere I have to be, somewhat early in the morning.

My mind thinks about all I want, and want to do, and how I can. Mostly, it wonders what I should do, in order to make things more financially sound. But all those thoughts are just vanity. Nothing ever really comes from them, except dark circles under my eyes and dragging feet in the morning, due to a lack of rest.

Normally, I just lay in bed, tossing and turning, hoping I will just pass out from pure exhaustion. Tonight, that still small voice spoke to my heart to get up and be productive. Productive? With what? How? This is how. To let my thoughts be useful instead of empty.

I all too often let myself sit silently, refusing to speak my thoughts. Especially the deeper and more controversial ones. Thus, one reason, I don't post much on my blog or my facebook page. Are people really interested in what I have to say? Why add to the noise that blares across the internet already? Am I ready to let go, when people walk out of my life, because of how offensive I am?

Then again, what if my voice is the one that will speak to someone in a way they desperately need? Instead of wasting away hours, tearing my bed apart, with frustration, over the sleep that evades me, I hope to begin to use these quiet, sleepless hours, that I'm actually "alone", to write. The whole reason I started blogging in the first place is because I love to write, in spite of my poor mechanical and grammatical skills, and I wanted to inspire and lift up anyone who might possibly read what I've shared.

So here is to our sleeplessness and to the quietness in the dark hours of the night. May my writing do what it is purposed to and may your heart find peace enough to sleep, and mine too.

That Moment

That seems to be a very popular phrase right now...

But it is that moment for me today. That moment when I'm struck with the reminder of how quickly time slips away and how little of it I truly have.

Today it was the reminder of how, soon enough, my home will be without children, for mine will have grown and moved on. In that thought, I can't help but see how they do not belong to me, but are a temporary gift. A treasure I get to enjoy for a little while, but will soon, too soon for me, be ready to flutter away like a butterfly from a cocoon.

The saying goes that if you let it go and it comes back it is yours, but if it doesn't, if never was. Will my children come back? Will they leave my home know that they are a blessing to me or will they leave feeling thankful that they are no longer the bane of my existence?

Some would say that the very fact that I question this proves that I am a good mother and my kids will be fine. I don't believe that. I can think things all I want, but my actions should express those thoughts as well. I hope they do. 

A part of me looks forward to my children's futures and all that might be. Another, possibly selfish part of me, wonders how it might be to have children who are with you all their lives and then no longer are, because they are their own. To live, at that point, as a separate unit from the one they were raised in with you.

I don't want to be that mom who can't let go and clings to my children for dear life. I don't want to be afraid of them becoming fully their own people. I want to inspire and encourage them as they become what I cannot stop them from being.

Yet there is that part of me that fears how much my heart will break when they do.

It is partially with these thoughts that I question why I'd have anymore. I've never planned any of them, though I do know how they happen. I've never tried for a child, though, thankfully I've been blessed with them. However, I'm still capable of being gifted with more and of course once gifted, I'd simply be thankful for them. But do I want to be, again?

I've been the sister to a newbie as a teenager and practically as an adult. I know the way a relationship can be between siblings spaced so far apart. I know that it can emotional positives and negatives, as anything can.

As I think of my oldest and how it once was for her and how it might be, especially if I had another girl at some point, I wonder how she would feel. Granted, just as she is growing into her own person, who will some day have her own separate life, I am also my own person and I am free to do things.

I just feel empty at the thought. Empty at the idea that it doesn't really matter how she'd feel in the long run, because, though she is my child, this is MY life. Empty knowing that someday she will be, they all will be, less a part of my life than they are right now as they venture off and make their own. And I... I will be less a part of theirs. Maybe not in our hearts, but it certainly won't be like it is now.

I suppose I'm not one who likes change, especially not big changes, and to many I still have plenty of time. Today, though, I realize how much a vapor time is. It makes me thankful that I've chosen to homeschool and enjoy the precious years with my children. To not work outside of my home so I can be with them. Not all the time, but much of it. It is appreciating the time I do have that I need to put more focus on. Because I am richly blessed.