Tonight I was watching a re-run of Promised Land. It was the episode with Julia Stiles playing a teen mom who'd lost her baby. It struck a chord for me and by the end I had some tears streaking my cheeks.
A few years ago I too lost a baby. Although mine was through a failed pregnancy. I was around 3 months pregnant. I wasn't gaining any weight, in fact I was actually losing weight. The dr. did an ultrasound after having a hard time finding a heart beat. There wasn't much to find. Everything but a baby was in there. Whether or not a baby had been in there, I don't really know, but personally I think there was. The dr. recommended a d&c since I wasn't aborting on my own. After seeing my mother become severely anemic after her miscarraige a few years before that, I decided to heed the dr.
It was a HORRIBLE day for me. Not just the idea of the d&c but the fact that I ended up spending the whole day in the hospital pretty much alone and wasn't able to eat! Why? Because you can't eat while waiting for surgery. I went in at 7:30 in the morning. I was supposed to have the surgery at 1, but they had prep work to do and I had to talk to the anesthisiologist. Around 9 or so they came in telling me I might actually get in at 10. Just before 10, however, they came in and told me 11. Then it was back to 1 again. Then it wasn't going to happen until 3. At 3 they came in and told me they didn't know when they'd get me in. I was so upset and wanted to cry. While talking to a dr. about my frustration he told me that I needed to just calm down and not get emotional, because there was nothing they could do about it. After all what can a dr. do when they have 4 emergency c-sections in a day. At some point in time, probably due to the stress and all I started to miscarry on my own. I wish I'd had the courage to get up and walk out then, but I didn't. Aside from my mom and husband calling me from time to time (my husband to see if I was done yet and my mom for moral support) I really had no one to lean on (at least that's what I thought at the time) for the strength and courage to do that. Finally at 7:30pm (yes 12 hours later!) they finally took me back for my surgery. While I was under, which seemed like it was only 5 minutes, I had this "vision" or dream, whatever you will, of the dr.s, doing the procedure, carrying a box and from the box hung a little baby's hand. I was devastated. I'd seen the ultrasound myself, though, and there really wasn't any baby in it. At the time I decided to just be relieved to have the whole ordeal over with. My husband was very disconnected from the situation. So much so that he didn't even come to the hospital except to drop me off there and pick me up when I was done. I felt so alone. I didn't let myself really mourn my loss or accept that whole pregnancy. 2 years later when I went in, after finding out I was pregnant again, I was filling out the form and reached the part asking about how many pregnancies I'd had and all that. It was hard to fill that out. However, while I was pregnant with my son I had 2 dreams involving what I thought were twins. (My son was due 2 weeks before the estimated due date of my lost baby) My dreams were strange, though. I'd have the dream of one scene and it would involve a girl and then repeat a second time only it was a boy not a girl. I've come to decide that it was my lost baby in the first dream and my new son in the second. I feel as though God was letting me know she was safe with him and that He had an angel watching over my son, whom I had started out very worried about. So much so that, though I'm not a fan of ultrasounds, I demanded one early on to make sure there was a baby in there. He was born safely at home, when he was ready to come Earthside.
She was due Christmas Eve. But I miscarried on June 10th. The same day my Grandmother died back in the early 90's. I had planned to name her Natalie Elizabeth. Natalie means: Born on Christmas day and Elizabeth means: Consecrated to God
I miss her. And it's hard sometimes, because I don't really talk about it much. I know that I'm not crazy, but sometimes I think people will think I'm weird. But tonight, I felt compelled to share some of her story.
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