Dec 23, 2011

My trip home went well. I got to see family there. I didn't find my Christmas spirit there, though. Or anywhere for that matter. If Christmas came and went, I don't know that I'd care, this year. That's a big deal, considering I am the type who is all about Christmas. This year, I don't feel like baking cookies. I don't feel like giving. I don't feel like sharing. I don't feel like bringing joy and goodness. I just feel like moving on. I don't feel hateful towards Christmas or like a Grinch. If others want it, that's fine. I just want it to be spring already and for this chapter to close already...

Last night I had a dream that my uncle, cousins, siblings, and kids were all at grandpa's old house and as we passed the basement widow we all saw him there. He was as real as could be touched, but he wasn't flesh like us. He was trying to open a box of cereal or something but in his eyes was a sense of emptiness. At some point we each made our way into the house and the others managed to talk to him as though he'd never gone. I couldn't. I was too frightened and confused. When I was finally ready to, I woke up.

Dec 9, 2011

It was midnight. The start of Dec 7, 2011, which marked the 70th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. I got a call. It was my mom. My grandfather, a military veteran, who was 9 when Pearl Harbor happened, had taken his spirit to the next level of life's journey, just a few minutes prior. I knew it was going to happen, there had been plenty of warning. Like they always say, you can never really prepare for something like that. I went up to crawl into bed. My heart was so heavy, but I tried to breathe through it. As I began the climb into bed, past my husband, hoping not to wake the baby, he stopped me. "Who called you?" he asked. "My mom and brother", I replied. I don't remember if he asked if I was ok or not, because the next thing I knew he'd wrapped his arms around me and just held me, giving me a safe place to cry. He allowed me to mourn. He didn't speak. He didn't rush me. He just held me. I'm very blessed to have a husband who will do that for me. Especially since I'm not used to that kind of thing from him. Usually my emotions seem whiny and dramatic to him. This, however, he understood. My grandfather, thankfully, passed peacefully and quietly surrounded by love from those who could be there with him. My heart hurts not only for myself, but especially for the wife he left behind who made the last decade of his life as bright as she could. Honestly I believe God used her to help him have another decade of life. It also goes out to his children, who have lost their lifetime hero. Of course it goes out to all who lost this great man. To him, I dedicate this poem, which he inspired in my heart.

Tears are shed.
Hearts are broken.
Death has come.
A spirit is taken.
We should rejoice,
For a life lifted.
Instead we mourn,
For a light put out.
The world seems dark,
With each missing piece.
Yet heaven grows brighter,
With each breath rejoined.
For you breathed life into Adam.
Through death, you gain it back. 
~ N.L. Salzano

Dec 5, 2011

Today I have felt very heavy. My grandfather is nearing his exit from this portion of life and preparing for the next level. I haven't seen him in over 2 years and, though I'll be heading out that way soon, it may not be quick enough. One day he seems like he's doing good. The next he seems like he's on the brink of moving on. This is what I hear, anyway. My heart is happy for him to be free of his ailments. Of course, I'm heart broken at the same time. To never hug him again. Never hear him laugh or see him smile. No more stories about road gators. I haven't seen him much in the last decade. Even when I lived near him, I didn't go see him often. The time I have spent with him has left a special imprint on my heart. He is one of the few people in my life, whose love I never questioned. I never doubted that I was special to him. That's a big deal for me. I have pretty low self esteem. At least in my opinion. I make cocky jokes and sound arrogant, but they are just jokes. For the past week I've been anxious and depressed. Thankfully not to a completely debilitating point. I've doubted my value and worth. I've questioned my contribution to the world and my family. I've wonder how all the super women do it. I know women who accomplish way more in a day than I do in a month. At least it seems like they do. However, tonight I found a light in my darkness for a while. I managed to accomplish some stuff, which seems minor stuff that you're supposed to do anyway, but for me it was a real accomplishment. God never said life was easy, though. But he did say he'd be my strength. I suppose I'm a kindred spirit to King David. I toss and turn and lose sleep at night and yet when I praise the Lord it all seems less than what I let it be before.

You Love Me Anyway

by the Sidewalk Prophets

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me
It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me
You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

Nov 18, 2011

Well, it looks like my NaNo attempt may be foiled once again. This year by a few different factors. 1. A bad case of mastitis that actually sent me to the doc asking for antibiotics. I don't normally do that. 2. Lack of interest. The first week, I was so excited about doing it. Something about my story seemed to hit a negative chord with me, though, and so I decided to stop writing it. At least for now. 3. Life. I did not realize how whiped out moving, getting settled, etc. has made me. I could easily feel guilty or ashamed (I know that is lame) over these things, because well that's what I do. I worry too much, but this time I refuse to. Just because I don't feel like doing it (and it's really as simple as that) doesn't mean I won't feel like doing it in February or something. So that's that.

In other news, I was thinking the other day about the idea of trying to take over the world. I heard it on "Pinky and the Brain", but of course the joke didn't start there. A friend of mine actually got me thinking about it when she made the comment the other day. As I stood in my thinking place, I wondered, "WHY?!" Why would someone want to take over the world. Yes, I understand it is just an expression for most and that it's a joke, however there are those who truly do. What good is there in taking over the world? Obviously they haven't thought through all of the possibilities of what that could mean. Taking over the world is tedious work! There is the planning, the building an army, the brainwashing, etc. It'd be even harder if trying to take over peacefully, in my opinion. Then, if you succeed at taking over the world there is the issue of dealing with everybody else's problems, the resistance, the yes men, etc. Eventually a person would probably go crazy because it would be lonely being in charge of the whole world. Not knowing who your friends are, who you can trust, and those things are all just snowflakes in the snowstorm of the process. Just too much work and, I don't think, enough gain to make it worth it.

November 13, 2011

Well we've moved. It's pretty much what we've always talked about having. We love it! The whole buying and moving process was a nightmare, but now that we're finally settling in, things are better.

I'm a pretty shy person, but I've been making an effort to step out and that's been working out ok for me. I've made a new friend already, got the girls set up with 4H, and even wandered around our little village and been to some of the surrounding towns. This is actually big for me, since normally it takes me a lot longer to do any of those things.

Home schooling has been going well. We have our rough days, but for the most part things are looking good. We're not the most structured people, after all life happens. However, I do think my kids are all learning a lot.

I recently had a discussion with my husband. I was watching Parenthood (the movie) and thought to myself. Gosh, I hope none of our 4 kids turns out like Larry. At the same time I realized, out of the 4 families, mine is probably most like Gil's (played by Steve Martin) and that I was a lot like that character. I often worry so much about the what if's and could happens and I miss the joy of the roller coaster that is life. I worry about being wrong, making mistakes, making bad choices, etc. I know all parents worry about those things, but I worry about them to the point that I let those worries weigh me down.

This month is National Novel Writing Month. I started it with my girls. They have goals of 500 and 1000 words, respectively. They've made it about half way to theirs. I've hardly made it anywhere. At this point, I don't plan to thrust myself into trying to reach the goal this year as I got struck with a nasty case of mastitis and am still working on getting over it. I'm not one for antibiotics, but I had to break down and take them. It hit me out of no where. No signs or anything, that I noticed. Then BAM! I wake up early one morning feeling like I've got the flu. Fever, chills, body aches. Then I realize, this isn't the flu... I started to notice tenderness and over the course of the day it got redder and redder. I'm finally feeling better but not a 100% yet.

Well anyway. I'm obviously a bit worn out from the way this post is sounding, haha. I suppose I'll sign off for now!

August 28, 2011

Lately, I've had a lot on my mind. There is the process of moving. We're still in limbo on a few things, there. There is homeschooling. Finally got most of our school supplies. The kids can't stand to wait one more week, so we'll be starting that adventure tomorrow! They are very excited, as am I. I'm definitely better organized this time. On top of those things, there is the normal worries. However, I also have some big curiosities.

The parable of the talents has been on my mind a lot. You can find it in Matthew 25. I know that there is a move in my heart to start taking my gifts and talents seriously and trusting that they are good enough. That I am good enough. These are things that I could easily do around my kids. Things that wouldn't take much away from my family, but instead richly bless our family. Not just as an income, but in many other ways as well. Counter to that concept I have also been thinking of potentially working toward doula certification, yoga instructor certification, traditional naturopathy training, and practical midwife certification. Those are not things I can do around my family so much. I'd be working to complete training for all of those over the next 5 years. But is that the right choice to make? I don't know. It's a lot of stuff and a lot of time. I could always do just one of those, but I feel they all go hand in hand. Different ways, like massage, to treat the whole body. It'd be really cool to be like an old fashioned medicine woman. And maybe in time I will go that route. The question is, I guess, do I do it now or wait until my kids are older.

I've also had mortality on my mind. I'm young, but young people do die sometimes. I don't know why I've been having thoughts about it. They always leave me sad and wondering where my priorities lie, what could I be doing differently, and what is my life about. The idea of not being here for my kids breaks my heart. But even our kids shouldn't come before God. I fear death. I fear not living purposefully, but instead being a life wasted through idleness. I don't get out much, share God's love much, or make much of a difference in this world, I don't think. Will my life be a blessing to God? Is it a blessing? I pray I have a long time to figure that out.

August 20th

1 year ago I was in early labor. I can not believe it's been a year. My life has changed so much since then. Though, being pregnant and having a baby set back a few things for me, it only made me more determined to achieve what I had set out to do. I'm now graduated from school, have made many personal growth steps, and am just stronger. Stronger in my faith in God, my faith in myself, in life, in my family, and in possibility.

The other day I was reading about unjobbing. From the description, it's basically the career goal I have always had. Doing various things that I love and getting paid for it. Not necessarily having one job with set hours and set income. I love to write and am already getting revved up about NaNoWriMo. Last year I got the bones for the first book, in a 7 book series, I plan to write. This year, I hope to get the bones for book 2. I'm going in with no predisposed concept of what or where the book should go or even who the characters will be aside from the couple of main characters. I also have some children's book ideas, I'm hoping to move forward with over the next year. I also love crafting. I love to sew, knit, crochet, cross stitch, paint, woodwork, pottery. Just all kinds of things. One friend described me as being good with my hands. Though easily taken out of context, he is right. Like the virtuous woman, of Proverbs 31, I do enjoy working willingly with my hands. With the desire I have to homeschool, which I will be doing this year, and my need to work around my husband's schedule (it just works best for our family) I don't see why I don't use the gifts that God has blessed me with. They are doable, even around our life. It's not like I'm hoping to live off the money, though that would be awesome. However, the extra that it would bring in, would be a blessing. And so over the course of the next year, I hope to move towards using my gifts as the virtuous woman also used hers, to help support her family, without taking away from her family. At least not taking too much away. I'm considering becoming a certified doula and yoga instructor as well. I mean they go well with massage and give me more options.

I honestly don't know what my point is. I'm just "thinking out loud".

July 9, 2011

I sent this to a friend today and then realized, I should post it here.

Church was really good today. Here are some of the points I got from it.

1. We need to take advantage of the freedoms we DO have for sharing the Lord, His word, and His love with others. I hear so often from other "Christians" all the rights and freedoms that are being taken away, yet don't see them taking advantage of the ones they still have left.

1 Peter 2:11-17

2. Abstain from sinful desires. We need to live our lives as best we can in ways that will not lead to guilt or shame, by avoiding sin.

3. Live good lives. Along with avoiding sin, making it so people really have nothing bad to say about us, we should live lives that give them good things to say about us. To not be neutral.

Remember, God's people are set apart from the people of the world.

4. Submit to every authority. Accept human rule and be obedient to it. Do not resist civil authority UNLESS it demands that you go against God's authority.
IF disobedience to man's law IS necessary, we must disobey peacefully. The law we disobey must clearly be against God's commands. We must not disobey with a rebellious heart or out of spite. I.E. If you feel called to knock on doors and witness to people and a law is made against knocking on doors to witness, yet you still feel the tug on your heart to do it. Do not go and get all your buddies and have them break the law with you just to stick it to the man. If it is truly a conviction on your heart then go and continue in your duty for God and accept the consequences of your choice.

Some examples of this would be: Shadrack Meshack and Abednego (I don't remember how to spell the names.) They obeyed God at the expense of being disobedient to man and the accepted the consequence of their choice by being thrown into the furnace. God saved them. Daniel obeyed God at the expense of disobeying man when he chose to continue worshiping the Lord against the king's law and accepted his consequence of being thrown to the lions. God saved him.

5. Live as free men and as servants to the Lord. If we truly live open lives (freely) in service to God, people will see and be blessed and God will touch their hearts. We won't even need to say a word if our lives reflect Jesus.

6. Show proper respect to EVERYONE. Jesus hated sin, but he loved people. That enormous woman with her above the bum tat and her clothes that hardly fit walking around wal mart with her dirty, loud, rude kids and her husband whose lip is full of chew and his head is covered by the worst mullet ever. Yeah God loves them. We need to too. Instead of seeing all their faults, all that is wrong with them, we must remember that we too are sinners without God and that these people are loved by God as much as we are. We need to pray for them instead of mock them.

7. Love other believers and lift them up. No matter what their strengths or weaknesses are. We are the bride of Christ and must take care of each other, if not for the sake of one another, then for the sake of Christ who deserves a healthy bride.

8. Fear God. For when we fear God and trust in the Lord, everything else will fall into place.

9. Honor the king. Whether it be the president, the governor, the mayor, the minister, your boss, we need to show reverence and respect to those in charge. We do not have to agree with them, but we do need to show them respect. That means not name calling or tearing them down, but instead lifting them up through prayer. No matter how wicked they are, they are also part of God's creation. When Peter wrote the scripture I listed he was in jail. Nero was king. He was very wicked. Yet Peter told the church to show him respect, obey his law (as long as it isn't against God's law), be good citizens. Jesus also when he said, "Give unto Ceasar's what is His."


We need to remember that this is not our home. That our home is in God's kingdom. Jesus did not call us to defend him, but to live for him and live like him.

And that was what I got from church today. I just thought I'd share.

July 5, 2011

This weekend I took a big leap of faith. Faith that I was capable enough of taking my 4 children, without my husband, camping. Thankfully it was with a group of families, so I wasn't trying it out alone, but it was still a scary concept for me. I did it, however, and God used it as an opportunity to bless me and grow me. The trip was a success. I had a great time, hardly got upset about anything, and wasn't very nervous aside from being a wimp about outhouses. haha It was much needed R&R after the stress I'd gained over the week or so before going. All of it seems pretty long ago, now. I think one of the things I enjoyed the most, aside from being in nature and watching my kids have a blast, was the faith based discussions. Ok I loved the games too, but I'm a board game nut and just being around grown ups in a family friendly environment was great too. But the perspective adjustments, the confirmations, the confidence that is gained when encouraging each other with faith is such a gift. I'm thankful that I have friends who love the Lord as much as I do.

June 28, 2011

I DID IT!! I passed my National certification exam!!! I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of me. I was surprised by how freaked out I was about it today, but I felt totally nervous and doubtful earlier. When it was over, I thought I had failed, but amazingly I passed!

June 25, 2011

For the past few days I've had wanderlust. I want to go somewhere different and have an adventure. It happens from time to time. Sometimes it's a craving for adventure in unknown (to me) territory. Another country or something, usually. Sometimes it's the feeling of being called back to a place I've been and enjoyed. A place I miss. For example, the PNW. I miss the air. There is something about the air there, that is different than any other part of the states, that I've been to.

Today, I've been married 10 years. A whole decade. I'm sure that is part of where this is stemming from today. If nothing else mattered. If my family didn't care if we owned a home, had animals, etc... I honestly think I'd like to be a missionary. Traveling all over the world and sharing God's love, just appeals to me. Not like the crusaders did, of course, but through positive actions. There is so much more to living than what some societies seem to believe.

June 20, 2011

A new perspective. I've been dealing with a lot of feelings towards my mom and things that have happened in my life lately. See, I asked God to open me up and clean me out. To remove any bitterness, anger, unforgiveness and to heal my broken heart. I knew there was stuff locked away that needed to be faced. I know it is still "Just the beginning". God is answering that prayer and I have been remembering things that I'd locked away. I've been experiencing feelings I'd refused to before. Then yesterday, at church, they preached on the importance of a father's role in a child's life. It was a great message that made me think of my mom, too. And it struck me. A new perspective of my mom.

Imagine your a young woman, in her late teens, who during a time of rebellion gets married. You're husband loves you, in a way, but the two of you don't seem to really click. It doesn't help that you aren't in agreement on many things, including spirituality. On top of that you're in a foreign country, far away from family and with very few friends. This was back before you could just shoot an email or call long distance for pretty much nothing. You know, back when long distance cost an arm and a leg or you could try snail mail. You also have 2 young one's. Things aren't as peachy as you wished they'd be. Your daughter has been known to tell you she hates you and "runs away". (usually hiding under the dinner table, because she is too scared to actually run away) Your son is angry a lot and violent. You don't understand. You don't know what to do. You know that inside he is a sweet wonderful boy. You've seen him be that boy. What did you do wrong. Why is it that no matter what you try to do, it doesn't seem to fix the problems. You feel alone and so far from God. You're husband works a lot and when he is home, he doesn't seem to help much, instead choosing to do what is important to him, personally. You feel broken, hopeless. You often break and get angry, taking it out on your kids, when they push the right buttons. You know where you learned it. From your own mom. Why? You feel angry towards her but feel guilty over it, because you aren't supposed to. Same with your feelings towards your husband. You want things to be one way, your family to be picturesque. Or at least closer to it. When you look at them and at things, you see they are no where near what you hoped for and you don't know what to do. You take it personally and take it all on your shoulders, blaming yourself, because you know there are things you could've done better, should've done better, and maybe if things were different you would've done them better. I don't know about you, but often, I can relate to this woman. That woman is my mom. Her life isn't like that now. She has a new husband, who shares her faith and clicks with her better. She has 2 other children who have never known foreign soil, the pain of a broken home, or the darkest times of their mother. They have a more picturesque life than we had. They are happier and she is doing better. Sometimes I feel jealous of them, but when I let go of that I can't help but be happy for them. I helped raise them for a short while and wouldn't want any less for them. She is no longer poor in life, but rich. Maybe not with money, but with so many other things that are more important. She still has her own demons to fight and her own healing to be had, but I feel like I understand her, at least a little bit more now.

June 18, 2011

"God never said it would be easy."

I hear, and read, that phrase quite often. Today, it was true for me. It's not like it was a difficult day, just a more aware day. I woke up and my mind started racing to all the thoughts it usually does. Anxieties, fears, worries, to-dos, etc. Then a calm came over me and the word "Stop." whispered through me, gently. Immediately I realized why. I have a goal of letting go of everything and giving it all to God. After all the bible doesn't say "Seek ye first the things that may or may not happen tomorrow or next week or month or year or even decade." It doesn't say "Focus on why your plans for the day have been ruined, due to the rain." It doesn't say "Stay here and curl up until the feelings of desperation disappear." Nope. What it does say is "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness." From the moment I wake up til the moment I lose consciousness in the depths of sleep, I want to seek God and His righteousness. To ever be in worship of Him. To be always present in His presence. I won't find that in my obsession of "When will our house sell?" "Will we be able to get this house that I want?" "How do I convince my husband that we should homeschool and that things should be this way or that way." Normally I talk and talk trying to get my words through, but the bible says that the best way to win a person is through our actions. Not through actively trying to force a person to change, but through allowing yourself to change while leaving the other person and their choices in the hands of God. God has been moving in my heart so much lately. Times when I'd normally speak up and chatter away in vain, I've instead managed to remain silent and give my anxieties, fears, and worries to the Lord. I'm still very new at this though, so of course I'm not always successful with it and even as I get better I'll still slip up from time to time. Freedom. It's my word for this year. Freedom of fear is my biggest challenge. In it lies all the other things I need to be freed from. It is the foundation of what stands between me and complete spiritual freedom.

June 17, 2011

This week has been very interesting and wonderful. A week of growth and perspective changes. A week of peace, joy, and comfort. A week learning about truly worshiping the Lord and working towards loving unconditionally. I feel like I'm not the same person I was last week and that I'm continuing to grow further and further away from who I've been towards who I am in the Lord.

Tonight was our 2nd family worship night. It's still rough around the edges and in need of some adjustments, but definitely better than last week's turned out. I know in my heart that this is an important endeavor for our family. God has a plan for our family worship nights and I just praised Him for it. I know many Christians, including myself, who have thought they know God, but never really showed that relationship outside of church. Now, I know that I may have known God a little, but I've never give myself over to God the way I have this week and boy what a difference that makes in a person's life! I suggest, for those who are interested, take the time to put everything else aside and allow yourself to truly be present in the presence of God. "For I know the plans I have for you." This is a scripture that just struck my heart, though I don't remember where it's at.

June 16, 2011

Ok, I didn't get on here the past few days, so obviously didn't write about the stuff we learned in church. I don't have my papers with me, right now, either. So I'll write, instead, about my life.

First of all, the kids and I entered stuff into the county fair this week. So excited. Went to check it all out Tuesday night. My older boy got 3rd place for his cookies. My younger daughter got 2nd place for her cookies and 3rd place for her art. My older daughter got 2 participant ribbons, one for art and the other for her cookies, and nothing for her photograph. She was pretty disappointed and upset, but she also didn't put much effort into the art or photograph and her cookies were all crushed by the time she went to turn them in. I think it was the mini m&ms she used. I got nothing for one of my sewn projects, but the other, along with my cookies, came in 2nd. So I was very happy. Last year I entered jewelry and came in 3rd.

I'm also excited about school. I turned in my last homework assignment yesterday and only have 3 more shifts, national cert exam, 1 more class, and then I graduate! After that I'll, hopefully, be getting my infant massage instructor certification.

God has blessed me so much this week. Not only are things going well, in life, but also in my spirit. Sunday's services left me feeling like God was talking to me personally. We discussed worship. What is it? It's not just singing. It's not just saying "I praise you God" it's about being present and available to God. Not just being in His presence, but "gracing" Him with ours. You can stand in church singing the songs and saying over and over "I praise you! You are holy!" etc, but if your heart isn't in it, it has no meaning. Last night's service was about God's will. We worry so much about details. "God, is it your will that I buy THIS house? God is it your will that I work at THIS place?" that sometimes we forget that God gives us choices and not all of them are bad or wrong. If you like that house and will serve God there just as well as you would at that other house, then God probably isn't too bothered by which house you take. If you'll serve God just as well through this job as you would through a different one, then again, God is probably cool with which ever. It's not about WHAT, it's about HOW. How will you let God lead you? Where will you let God lead you? When will you let God lead you?  "Whatever you do, do everything for the glory of the Lord." Don't ask "Am I in your will, Lord?" ask "Am I being led by you, Lord" I've also been reading "Fearless" by Max Lucado. I highly recommend it. There is so much in there that I'm finding comfort in. And finding things to pray about and thank God for. My biggest prayer right now is that as God continues to grow me, I will find freedom from fear and from the cares of this world, that I might trust in the Lord and worship Him continuously. Many have said they are saved, yet few have truly given themselves to Him. I want to fully and completely give myself to God.

June 12, 2011

Today has been interesting for our family. It was a great day and evening in church. I loved both the services and will write about them tomorrow. We got our cookies baked for the county fair, which is exciting. However, this evening before church, my husband discovered our cat laying under the rose bush. He hasn't been doing very well. The vet took an xray that showed abnormalities in his lungs, but they didn't have a diagnosis for him. He became very thin and seemed to lose his appetite. Taking a closer look at our cat, my husband realized he wasn't breathing or moving. He had passed on. I was never a fan of this cat, I'll be honest. He always peed on my clothes, if they were on the floor. Not so much on other people's clothes. Just my clothes and the towels. Really pissed me off. I was surprised at how sad I feel and how I already miss him. He had stopped peeing on my stuff recently when we got him a litter pan for the bathroom upstairs, but it was also after he took a turn for the worst. We've had him for 7 and a half years now. It was hard watching my husband and daughters "put him to rest". It was heartbreaking seeing my girls cry and watching them make special secret letters to bury with him. We have a dog also. It made us realize, as death usually reminds us, that we need to appreciate and love those who are in our lives, while they still are. What good is it to love someone AFTER they are gone. They'll never know. So love them NOW while they are HERE and can embrace that love.

June 11, 2011

Feeling blessed today. I slept better last night, than I have in a while. Today, I'm feeling accomplished for the few things I've gotten done. They seemed minor at first, but turned out to be fairly big jobs. Got called back about the interview I had to do for class. It was my last homework assignment and now I just need to type it up. I'm almost done! So excited! Getting that interview out of the way was a surprising relief. I didn't realize how much it was weighing on me. I'm not stressing about our house, because I KNOW all of that stuff is in God's hands and is already taken care of. I just feel really good and happy today. Allowing myself to recognize such a deep root of anger and pain yesterday and working towards giving it over to God is so healing. I will continue on in prayer and in faith knowing that my God is with me, always.

June 10, 201

Tonight was our first family worship night. Of course it didn't go as smoothly as I would've liked, but God still met me here. We started with prayer. One daughter had a request, for our 9 year old cat who doesn't seem to have much time left. We prayed. Then my other daughter read a scripture from Jeremiah. After that, we took turns leading a song. My older son was out to destroy things though, so I was getting frustrated. I prayed about it and against it. I was upset, because I was reminding myself of my mother. I just kept getting angrier. I felt like I was spiritually under attack and losing big time. My kids went outside to play and I prayed "WHY was I like this? Why was I so angry? Why did I feel so spiritually heavy? All I want is for my family to come together and worship in unity." and God answered. I have so much anger and pain built up inside of me that it has turned into hate. Today it was the hate I have for the person my mother chose to be, that weighed me down so strongly. I hate the choices that she made. I haven't forgiven her for any of it. I've never allowed myself to deal with any of that, because it is wrong. It's wrong to be angry with people, even when they hurt us. It's wrong to have negative feelings about your parents, even if they were the worst parents in the world. Mine weren't, by any means. We're supposed to be loving and forgiving, accepting and supportive. The problem is God never said we wouldn't feel that way, He just said to bring those feelings to him and I never really have. I cried bitterly, praying not only for God's forgiveness, but for the Lord to open my eyes to see my mother through his eyes and to have the courage to forgive her. That I would have the strength to pray for her in faith believing what God can do in her heart and in her life. As I prayed I felt some of that heavy weight lifting up off of me, out of me. At the same time I felt God whisper to me, "This is just the beginning". When my communion with the Lord was finished and I had wiped away the tears, this song came on K-LOVE and reminded me that God is healing me.:



Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You

CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

June 9, 20111

God says, I will meet all your needs according to the riches of My Glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

This is the scripture for Proverb 31 Ministries devotion of the day. For me, it is a reminder that I need to trust in the Lord, through all the trials and tribulations that come my way. To have faith that HE knows what I NEED and that HE provides for me. Instead of allowing myself to be distracted by the temptations of this world that separate me from God, I need to allow myself to fall into the arms of the Lord.God will get e through the storms of this life to the brighter days on the other side.

The song of the day

Possibly the song of the upcoming chapter of my life. I don't know. All I know is that this song played EVERY time I got in my car today and it really struck me.





I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I wont stop, Ill keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

(Chorus)
When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (I'm gonna move)

Ive got to hold 'er steady

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/move-lyrics-mercy-me.html ]

Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything is about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

(Chorus)

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat (x2)

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

June 7, 2011

"The Lord sometimes takes us into troubled waters NOT to drown us but to cleanse us. So when you are faced with a difficult situation, let go and LET GOD"

My cousin posted this today, on Facebook. For me, it struck a loud mellow chord. I have that feeling, where you know something BIG is about to happen. Now, there is a lot going on in my life right now. Finishing school, selling one house, preparing for a move, and the hope of buying another house. Somehow, none of that seems to be what this feeling is about. It's something else. Something deeper and more profound. Whatever it is, I know it is going to be life changing. I can already see some of the preparations being put forth in my life, but I still don't know what's about to hit me. All I know is that there is a storm heading my way.

It's not about who we can be...

... but about who we are. We've always been the person God made us. That has never changed. What has changed is the addition of layer upon layer of other stuff, changing the way we view ourselves. But God's view of us doesn't change. He still sees us as the person He created us to be. These extra layers can be peeled off, shed, let go of. As we allow these other notions to fall away, we will give new life, strength, health... to the person we truly are. Today is a good day to stop worrying about the worldly views of who we are and accept who God really made us.

This is what God is speaking to my heart right now and I thought I would share. :)

April 11, 2011

Busy, busy, busy! Softball season is here, so we are really busy with that. Thankfully the girls and I will all be done with classes the 1st week of June. Although I'll still have clinic for a bit after that. July 17th! That's the day I graduated and I can't wait!

The bible study I was doing stopped. And I haven't been reading as much as I mean to. However, I have been going to church regularly and love it! Hopefully it won't take us long to find the right church for us, when we move.

I know it isn't much of an update but I'm trying to clean house to get it ready to sell! I'm praying it will sell easily.

Bible Study Part 7

Psalms 25 - I thought this was a beautiful prayer.

Psalm 26 - I want to get to the point that, I too, can say those things about my self and my walk with the Lord.

Proverbs 25 - Be honest and tactful. Be aware and careful of what you say and do. Be trustworthy. Be kind and generous. Take what you need, but don't take on excess.

Proverbs 26 - Choose your friends wisely. Don't hang out with fools, self righteous people, know it alls, etc.
They will just bring you down.

Psalm 27 - What an amazing feeling of knowing that we are safe in the house of the Lord. That with God we are lifted above those who do us evil. To be in the beauty of the Lord's presence. How wonderful!

Psalm 28 - The beginning made me think he was repenting for something. And that he was saying "I'm not like these men who do things and feel no remorse. Please forgive me!" And the end is him praising God for mercy, for forgiveness. I think it's a good reminder that God does listen. That when we realize mistakes we've made and do feel sorry for them, He DOES forgive us.

Psalm 29 - Praise God. Listen to Him, He is speaking, possibly in ways we may not realize. He blesses us and in Him we find peace.

Psalm 30.
vs 5 How much does God sound like us parents? We may be disappointed but it will pass. We may make you cry but it will pass. My dad tells me this ALL the time. That even if I'm afraid of disappointing him, I should still be able to tell him things, because he won't be disappointed forever, and he is still going to love me no matter what. I tell my kids the same thing.
vs 7 We need God so much. He is our strength. Our stability. He is our foundation, our ground. Without him we WILL fall.
This is just a great praise to God. Thanking him for even the simplest of things He does for David.

Proverbs 27 - vs1 Tomorrow is no guarantee.
vs 5 and 6 How much I need to work on that. Being able to speak what needs to be said instead of hiding my love for others through my silence. A real friend will understand and allow wounds to heal, knowing I didn't mean to hurt them, if I did.
vs 10 -  How important it is to get to know the ones around you and really build community. Having people to lean on and a support network you can count on.
vs 17 definition of "soul mate." This is what marriage is partially about. Having someone to connect with who will sharpen you and allow you to sharpen them. Together you grow and become stronger and more capable. Working together to bring out the best in each other.
vs 23-26 I took as a metaphor even though it isn't. It made me think of parenting. I'm going to school right now and it's become a struggle. I don't enjoy clinic like I thought I would. I don't know why. Ok I know part of it is that it is boring. I like massage. I believe in the benefits. I like to help others feel better in their bodies. But I would much rather get one than give one. I know this isn't something I want to do long term. I'm just not THAT passionate about it. However, I will not give up, though I want to. I will continue on. There are many reasons why I chose this route and I'm so close to the finish line (I must keep telling myself this) that it'd be stupid not to finish. To finally be able to say "Look what I did!" Not that I can't. I'm rambling. Anyway I HATE being away from my kids. I don't want to work. Yes the extra money, money that *I'm* making and *I* have control over, would be terrific. But not worth the time away from my kids. We need to know our kids. What is going on with them and in their lives. We need to be a big part of their lives and to be a BIG influence in them. Money isn't more important. Fame is nothing. When we invest in our kids and focus on them, we will be richly blessed. And hey, when we're old they'll want to take us in and take care of us! hahaha

Proverbs 28 - Priorities. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coHKdhAZ9hU

Proverbs 29 - vs 1 There is no hope for those who refuse to listen and to learn.

vs 4 greedy politicians...

vs 17 we need to teach our kids and when they are grown we will know that what they've been taught is good. Gosh... Ok I'm not even going there. *sigh*

vs 19 that's true for children too!!!

vs 21 is too. Don't spoil your kids, they'll grow up to be selfish brats!

vs 27 My goodness. How true is this in our world today!

Proverbs 30 - I want to be that hungry to know the Lord. To only ask for what we need and not worry about having excess, that would be a relief!

vs 11 - 15 this is what we risk when we don't make discipline a priority.

vs 33 be mindful of your words. I've been working on that one.

 

Psalm 31 - vs 5 "Into your hands I put my spirit." What a powerful statement.
vs 22 I have had that feeling before. Feeling so far from God, but even when we think we are in the dark, God is still with us.

Proverbs 31 - Oh how I want to be this woman. Not only is she so devoted to God and her family but her husband is respectable

 

Psalm 32 - vs 1 and 2 Forgiveness. Just like we strive to be like our Lord in other ways we need to strive to be forgiving. Through forgiving others it will help set me free. I know I can be a forgiving person but there are some things I know I haven't forgiven.

this Psalm made me think of this song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_whi9GmAO8&feature=related

especially this part - "And tragedy's a reminder to take off the blinders and wake up
(to live the life)
We're supposed to take up
(moving forward)
With all our heads up
Cuz life is worth living" 

 

taking off the blinders. Horses and mules have blinders put on them so they won't go where their owners don't want them to. Like in horse racing. You want them to go the course so blinders are put on them so they don't stray. They aren't given much of a choice. God gives a choice. He doesn't want us to go to him blindly.


I'm an associater. I tend to associate things with other things and I love music so I might post lots of songs in time... haha

Psalm 33 - vs 2 and 3 See even God is telling me to learn to play the guitar and sing... hahahaha j/k

God's love is so amazing. His forgiveness is so powerful.

 

 

Bible Study Part 6

Psalm 22 - vs1-15 I prayed something similar to that this weekend and I have felt similar to vs14-15

vs16-20 makes me think of the crucifixion of Jesus.

In spite of these things, David still turns to God, leans on Him, and praises Him! I really need to work on being more like that.

Proverbs 22 - vs6 I honestly hate the way I was trained. I try to do better, but I still fall to those same things my parents did. I try to educate myself, but I still make the same mistakes they made. I look at my kids and I think "Of course things are this way, because you didn't do it right. You did the same things you always said you wouldn't." and that's true I have. I hate it. I don't always fall to those things. Sometimes I do a fantastic job with my kids, just like sometimes my parents did fantastic with me. I feel like I can do tons of great things but if I screw up big with my kids once, it's almost like the rest is erased. I can see the change it brings in them. When I've spanked them. When I've yelled at them. It breaks my heart sometimes. I know I shouldn't beat myself up, they do need to be disciplined, but I feel more like I just punish them than I actually teach them. Although, I know I'm teaching them. Just like my parents taught me. And I pray to God they do better than I have. I know in some ways, I'm doing better than my parents did.

vs15 I need to really sink into my brain. That my kids are still developing and learning and, sometimes, my expectations are too high and I need to work on reaching them on THEIR level and not the level I want them to be on already.

Obviously I need to pray before reading next time. I know I could get more out of these scriptures. One thing I am getting is that it is time for change in my life. Which sounds nuts in a way because there already is a lot of stuff going on in my life and there have already been a lot of changes lately. But I need spiritual change in my heart. The most important thing in my life to me is my kids. I know I'm a good mom. People tell me that all the time. But when I get angry with them and yell at them, spank them, have them "running away", it makes me feel like a massive, steaming pile of poo. And it's a feeling that isn't leaving. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of seeing my kids feeling sad and looking half empty. I know it isn't all me, but I know I could be doing things differently. I could be doing things better. Right now, I don't even want to be in massage school. I haven't had any interest in studying, though I've made myself. I'm interested and excited in class, but I do not look forward to doing clinic. I hate being away from the kids especially my baby and feel really guilty about it, because I don't feel as connected to him as I want to. I miss my baby. And I only have class twice a week, although I'm basically gone all day one of those days and though he handles it pretty well, it is taking a toll on me. I'm so ready for school to be done. Why did I go again? J/k I remember why I chose to go. And I know why I'm choosing to be back right now. So I will take a deep deep deep breath and I will find something good in all this hot sticky mess and I will praise God for it and let go of all of that and choose to enjoy this day and make at least one good memory in it.

God, thank you that, even when I'm feeling like a puddle of toxic waste, you still love me. You still hold me and lift me up. You still find value in me. Thank you that your love is ready and available for me, waiting for me to just open up and receive it. Thank you for the opportunities you've opened up in my life, especially the opportunity to bring 4 amazing, beautiful lives into this world. Help me to be the parent they need. To be loving and compassionate. To truly listen when they speak and even more when they don't. You know how much I love them, Lord. Help me to live in a way that would express that love to them as constantly and freely as your love is.

Psalm 23 - vs1 The Lord leads us and He guides us. He cares for us. When we follow Him, He meets our needs.


vs2 When we follow the path God brings us down (or maybe it is up...) He will give us a place to rest and a place to find peace.

vs3 No matter who we've been, how we've been, where we've been God can change us, if we let Him. He can heal us and make us whole again. And what He does in us, through us, and to us, will only glorify Him and shine His love into the world, even more brightly than before.

vs4 As we walk through this world with all the distractions it has, with all the fear and the chaos, as we lean on God's guidance, we learn how to not only survive but to thrive in this world. And if we fall He is there to lift us up, to brush us off, and to encourage and inspire us still.

vs5 no matter what isn't right in our lives, no matter who is coming against us, God will feed our spirits until we are overflowing with His love (and he'll just keep on feeding us :) )

vs6 I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. I can't even imagine how amazing that will be, but I look forward to it.


Proverbs 23 - For me the main thing is not to want the things of this world. Choose God and His ways over the ways of society. When we want the things of this world it's never truly satisfying when we get it and it is easily lost. We're easily broken and ruined by earthly ways. But when we want God we are satisfied and taken care of for the Lord is forever.

Psalm 24 - The first half makes me think of how God gave us charge over all the Earth. It is our job to take care of it. Sometimes I seriously think I want to take my family and go and live in community with the Earth and not in our modern over stimulated, time lacking society. I want to go and tend to the Earth and the animals of the Earth in communion with God and my family like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The rest makes me think about how MIGHTY God is and how I need to just let everything fall into His hands.

Proverbs 24 - I can't really focus on it right now, because I'm a little distracted but in a way some of it is just confirmation to me of something I was thinking of. It is our job as parents, to act as a team in becoming educated about what our kids' opportunities are and what ones are best for them and for our family and not just going with whatever the herd is doing. Being wise and making educated choices! If you can put tons of research and time and effort into buying, owning, and maintaining a car or computer or even a tv, should you not put at least that much into your kids?

Bible Study Part 5

Psalm 20 - It is important to pray for others, including our leaders.

Proverbs 20 - vs 6 and 7 make me think of the importance of fathers in the lives of their children. A father who is faithful to the Lord and is a good spiritual leader, will be able to guide his children towards a blessed life.

vs9 too often I look at others and judge them. The hardly dressed chick walking around wal mart with her mullet clad clan. Dirty and unable to speak real English, so it would seem. Her husband wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves torn off. Yeah, I look down on them. But should I? No. What makes me so much better than them? I have my own sins, my own head shake enducing life choices.

vs11 All the more reason to be educating our children in God's word and ways. To be raising them with faith, love, compassion, forgiveness, etc.

vs18 make educated decisions!

vs24 almost makes me think of just letting go and enjoying the ride. Not worrying so much about the why and the how and just enjoying the fact that things are what they are and that there is a reason they are that way. Not to say you can't strive to change things that aren't working for you, just to stress less about what might or might not be. Does that make any sense?

v27 God knows us more intimately than even we could ever know ourselves. He knows everything about us both inside and out. He cares for us and loves us THAT MUCH!

Psalm 21 - Sing praise to the Lord and exalt him, for he is greater than our enemies. He is more powerful than His enemies. He will prevail and in Him is victory.

Proverbs 21 - vs1 we should be like the king mentioned. Giving our hearts to God and allowing Him to direct us. I often pray that God would help me to be a woman after His own heart.

vs3 Instead of "sacrificing" through letting go of things we need to turn to God and ask him what the right thing for us, to do, is. And He'll show us. If we just go through the motions of something, but it isn't what God is asking of us or wanting from us, it is meaningless.

vs5 success is made by those who are willing to work for it. Who don't just dream it will happen and then wait for it to happen, but who will put into action the steps to make it happen. That's a biggie for me, because I tend to be a dreamer, though I've gotten better.

vs9 is something I try really hard to pay attention to. Communication is extremely important and how you do it is just as important.

vs17 isn't saying you can't have good times or nice things, but not to let those things consume you. Set priorities and don't over spend. Stop "keeping up with the Jones".

vs19 again how we communicate is important.

vs30 our God can not be defeated. He is the most High. The almighty. He is our wonderful, Lord of all.

Bible Study Part 4

Psalm 15 - I basically got that this is a short outline of how we should strive to be.

Proverbs 15 - Choose your words with thoughtfulness and take the time to truly listen and think over what you hear. Be content with what you have, not to the point that you become stagnant, but to the point where you are not envious of what you don't have. Be willing to live righteously even if it means not living as you thought you wanted to.


Psalm 16 - I took this as a reminder that in God we find peace and joy. He is with us even in the middle of the night when we're laying in bed, afraid to move, with a little boy snuggled on either side of you and a grown man taking up the bottom half of the bed (as well as most of the covers.)

Proverbs 16 - v1 reminds me that God knows our hearts and what is in our hearts will eventually come out of our mouths or at least be shown in our actions. It also reminds me that if we listen well enough we will hear God speaking to us with love and guidance.
The verses about the king and speaking with wisdom, made me think of Joseph. The one with the coat of many colors who interpreted dreams. It was because he spoke with wisdom, that he was pardoned by the king. It was because he spoke the truth that the king gave him such a high ranking. The king knew he could trust Joseph. We can't be afraid to speak in wisdom and truth, because of what others might think or how they might react. Goes back to me needing to learn to find AND use my voice.

psalm 17 - God fills us so we are not empty. He protects us and defends us. He hears us when we cry out to him, whether to pray or to praise.

proverbs 17 - vs 1 makes me think of family get togethers. The movies exploit it. You get together with the relatives for Thanksgiving and it's a disaster. You may even be able to warn others, that might be stopping by, about the annual "disagreements" between the same people. We haven't shared a holiday with family, really, since my mom came for Christmas after Anthony's birth. I have to say as much as I enjoy family and big family get togethers, I have learned that I like to have Christmas with just us. At least Christmas morning.

vs 5.. We can be so bad about that one. Think of the comedies we watch! What do we laugh at? Other people's downfalls. We laugh at the guy who tripped and fell into the pool. We laugh at the girl who runs into a window. When you think about it, it's pretty mean to laugh at. But it's just a movie, right? No. We're desensitizing ourselves in a way.

I just like vs 6.

vs 10 you can beat your kids or you can teach your kids. That's what struck me with that. I've done both.

vs 14 We need to pick our battles. Decide what is worth the flood of emotions and the consequences good or bad of our fight.

vs 17 "a brother is born for adversity" to me that sounds like through our siblings God gives us the opportunity to learn. Learning to love our enemies. Learning to accept those who are different than us. Learning to discover and understand others and have compassion for them. It's our jobs as parents to facilitate that growth and learning in our children.

vs 22 joy is medicine. Love is medicine. Good things that make us laugh are medicine. It encourages health in our bodies. That is why children in orphanages who are loved on have a greater chance of survival than those who are ignored aside from feedings and diaper changes. That is why nursing home patients who are frequently visited seem to do much better than those who are never visited.

Psalm 18 - I need to praise God when I feel weighed down, attacked, alone, etc. He will lift me up, give me strength and support, he will comfort me and bring me confidence. He will defend and protect me against my enemies and bring me to safety in peace.

Proverbs 18 - vs 2 I felt like such a fool due to putting my foot in my mouth. Sometimes I say things without thinking about how it might hurt someone else.

This proverb mostly reminds me that though I still have a lot of growing to do, there are areas I've already grown in some.

Psalm 19 - There are signs of God's existence, power, and love all around us. Meditation is good if we are meditating on the right things.

Proverbs 19 - vs 21 we can plan all we want but it is God's plan that matters most. It is His plan we should be following.
Our choices make the differences in our lives. Sometimes other people's choices affect us as well, but we can only really control our own. And we need to. We need to hold ourselves accountable when making choices, that we might make the best ones we can.
 

Bible Study Part 3

Psalm 11 - v1&3 reminds me of how we ask God WHY does He let bad things happen to good people. How can He sit back and do nothing to stop it?
v4-7 is like a reminder that God sees what is going on and He will serve justice. Our enemies will be punished.

Reading the part about how He sits on His throne and watches us just makes God seem so far away and really in old testament times it does seem like He didn't really tap into mankind much. Even the people who followed Moses questioned God. He gave them signs, and spoke through Moses, but people doubted. Then when Jesus died and the veil was torn and all were accepted into the arms of the Lord, it's like He finally received His children in a way. Maybe because He gained a new perspective of His creation? I mean when Jesus came He came because He loves us. So I'm a little confused at how God wasn't as loving in the old testament if Jesus came to show us how God felt towards us and what He expected from us. Does that make sense?

Proverbs 11 - I think it shows examples of how to be and how not to be. Don't be a liar, don't be greedy, don't be self-centered and selfish, don't lean on yourself or the things of this world. Be generous, be compassionate and caring, be honest, and trust in God.

psalm 12 - God will deal with those who speak against us wrongly. In turn we are to work towards speaking purely as well. It also makes me think of fake people really. Those who say "Hey let's get together. You name a time and place, and I'll make it happen!" but then they don't. Or they say "You look fantastic in that!" but really you look ridiculous. Not just those who say negative stuff about you.

proverbs 12 - I think these are things to look for in ourselves and in those we choose to connect with to see where we are in our spiritual growth and whether the people in our lives are good to have in our lives. Do they strengthen or weaken our relationship with the Lord. Are we growing in the Lord or sinking away from him.

Psalm 13 - I believe David dealt with depression. This psalm reflects that, in my opinion. Yet, even in the depth of his depression, he turned to God. It probably wasn't easy, but he sought God for refuge. He trusted in the power of God's love.

Proverbs 13 - There is much to gain in righteousness and much to lose in ungodliness. Be open and willing to learn, to grow. Be patient and work hard. Surround yourself with others who are reaching towards God as well, because the people we surround ourselves with have a strong influence on us. In all that we, as parents do, we must walk with discipline as an example for our children.

Psalm 14 - When we do things without making God a part of our decision making, things happen that maybe weren't meant to happen. Like driving drunk and killing someone. It's a foolish choice, and yet it happens all the time. It's not what God wants to have happen, but He gave people free will, so things don't always work out according to His plan. However, being God, He finds ways to take the bad and make them work for His glory anyway.

Proverbs 14 - v1 rings loud and clear for me, because honestly I'm pretty foolish. I've been going to counseling trying to find some sanity lately, because I seriously thought I was on the brink of a mental breakdown. Between that and some of the things my teachers have said and studying the bible with my friends, I've come to a pretty blunt realization. I'm narcissistic and selfish and self centered. Not in everything of course. But as much blame as I take on myself, it's not because things are my fault or I'm trying to be a victim or anything, it's simply because I take things too personally and act like the world revolves around me, even though I KNOW it doesn't. At the same time there is plenty I don't take responsibility for, because, I guess, the idea that I can change and be different is so hard to believe that I don't want to see who I've been much. On top of all that I've realized that I get so focused on what is wrong, what isn't working, what isn't healthy, and the things that I'm afraid of that I haven't been paying enough attention to what is good, what is working, what is healthy, and that I shouldn't be afraid. That I can live today as though yesterday and tomorrow don't exist and I can enjoy it! That's a hard "pill" to swallow.

So the proverbs really give great examples of why living without God is a foolish thing. It doesn't make sense. You have his wrath that will come upon you in due time. You have death in every way. You have a lack of joy and even happiness, contentment, satisfaction. You're empty and often times lonely. You're always wanting and feeling like nothing is good enough. You have no one to trust or feel safe with. No place you truly feel safe. And the list goes on and on. These are the things people are constantly trying to figure out how to correct in their lives and yet they skip away from the one thing that can correct it all. God. Even I do that in some areas of my life... Thankfully God is opening my eyes to those things.

Bible Study Part 2

Psalm 7 - We need to pay more attention to the choices we are making, holding ourselves more accountable for them. In this Psalm, David is willing to receive what is due to him. If he has done wrong he will accept responsibility for it, not deny it, blame it on someone else, or run away from the consequences.

Psalm 8 - God is holy, amazing, and wonderful. Yet, he loves us. He calls us. He made us lower than the angels, but, with Him, we are lifted up.

Proverbs 7 - We need to train up our sons in the Lord. We need to teach them to respect and value women, and themselves. To respect and value sex. We need to be praying for them to be wise and to be led by God, more than by hormones. It is true about our daughters as well.

Proverbs 8 - Life and learning go hand in hand. Continuing to grow and learn, even if it means going the road less traveled, will bring better understanding and connection to God. We will be better for it.

Psalm 9 - When we give ourselves over to the Lord he takes care of us and all our needs. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in this lifetime will he deliver justice to those who wrong us, but he will serve it to them when it is time. We have so much to praise and thank him for. So much to give glory and honor to him for. And, on a side note, I finally realized, possibly, why they call the one chick in Dogma, the last Zion. v 14 "that I may declare your praises in the gates of the Daughter of Zion..." Is that wrong of me, to think of that?

Proverbs 9 - My first thought was, that I need to stop wasting my breath trying to share the wisdom I've gained, with people I know in my heart, aren't really listening.
My second thought - This is a good way to learn to test ourselves on whether we are being wise or not. It's also a good way to learn whether someone else is sharing true wisdom with us or not.
Our lack of wisdom will keep us hidden in the dark, doing things that are hurting us, whether we believe they are or not. Over eating/under eating, taking what isn't ours, or something else.

Psalm 10 - This Psalm reminds me of a lot of the atheists I've come across. Their proud and boastful. They tear down those who they believe are weaker than them, or at least attempt to. Not that ALL atheists are like that, they aren't, just a lot of the ones I've come across. Humans are temporary.

Proverbs 10 - there is no true gain, no true success, no true value in a life without God. In God we are truly rich and blessed.

Bible Study part 1

These are things that I took from the verses I read. What I felt they were saying. After all that is what studying the bible, or anything else, is about. Taking in information and forming your own opinion of what it is saying.

Psalm 1 - If we give ourselves, our gifts, our talents for the Lord's glory, He will bless us and all that we do.

Psalm 2:1&2 sounds like the current state of our country, to me.
v10&11 is what our country should be doing. What we, as individuals, should be doing.

Psalm 3 is a reminder that even when it seems the whole world is against us, we need to look past the flesh and into the Spirit, leaning on and trusting the Lord to take care of us and our situation.

Psalm 4 it is time to remove the idols in our lives that separate us from the Lord's peace and joy.

Psalm 5 does the Lord truly hate and abhor people or does he feel that way towards the actions we make? What makes a man righteous? What makes a man lovable by the Lord, if we're all sinners and the Lord hates those who sin/do evil things?

Psalm 6 Living for the Lord doesn't mean you won't suffer things. Instead we must take the opportunity, through our suffering, to grow and draw closer to the Lord.

Proverbs 1 we must teach our children well, equipping them with a firm foundation for wisdom, knowledge, and understanding to grow.
v10-19 seems to be saying that we need to look beyond the glamor, the excitement, etc... to what lies underneath it. Look at what negative things it takes to be a part of or partake of that stuff. And for what? We need to look at the big picture.
v20-33 the truth and common sense are before us. We can choose to see it, heed it, and grow it within ourselves or to continue on without it. In the end we will deal with the consequences of our choices, good or bad. It's like a person who chooses to smoke, despite all the evidence of why you shouldn't. They choose to ignore the facts and be ignorant, but in time they end up with diseases and die.

Proverbs 2 We must constantly be growing, learning, and leaning on the Lord. Sin will only lead us to our demise. Temptation is strong and finds many ways to snare us, if we are not focused on the Lord.

Ch 3 Life without the Lord is worthless. Things, places, people are nothing without the Lord. We must set our eyes on Him, trusting that we are in His care when we give ourselves completely over to Him.
v19-20 He took great care in creating the Earth, our current home. He takes just as much care to mold and make us spiritually, when we are willing. When we sin, we open doors to things ungodly and grow the devastation in our lives and in our homes. When something is not right in ourselves or in our family we should look, first, for sin that might need to be removed, before we look to anything else.

Ch 4 no matter how young they are we are still teaching our children. Learning is essential to life. If we are to know the Lord, we must learn of Him. If we are to live as He has asked, we must learn how. If we are to share the Lord's love with others we must learn what it is and how it works. Let your mouth only speak good.

Ch 5 sin can come in a very desirable package. As appealing as it is, when you get past the glitz and glam it is a nightmare. Be satisfied with your blessings. Do not crave or desire what doesn't belong to you. There is a reason that it is not yours. Instead pay attention to what is yours and be thankful for it.

Ch 6 be honest and humble. Be willing to work and put forth an effort to invest in your life. It is crucial for us to teach our kids, lead our kids, and guide our kids to the straight and narrow path, so that when they are older they might have a better chance at life. We do this best by the examples of our own lives. Evil will try to suck us in but we must resist, for no real good comes from evil.

Life

So I'm back in school. It's going ok. Some days are more difficult than others with being away from my baby. I'm basically gone all day one day a week and then one evening. I know to some people this is nothing, but for me, it's A LOT. I've never really been away from my kids and don't really want to be. I like my kids, even if they get on my nerves sometimes.

Some of my friends and I have been doing a bible study. We were doing Psalms and Proverbs, to start. We finished Proverbs the other day though so now we're just doing extra Psalms until we figure out what other book to delve into. I'm really enjoying it. Not only has it kept me motivated and inspired, it's also made a difference in my day to day life. I've been more positive and stuff.

I was listening to K-Love the other day and they were talking about choosing a word to strive for over the next year, in our lives. As the DJ spoke about her word, out of nowhere, I heard the word FREEDOM. Loud and clear, it rang through my ears and resonated into my heart. That is what I'm striving for this year. Freedom. There is so much I need to be freed from. Somethings I'm already working on. Other things are just randomly popping out at me as things I need to work on. I think it's pretty interesting.

When I have more time I'm hoping to post what I've gotten from our study so far and then continue to keep updates about what I'm gaining. I don't know if any one actually reads this, but I hope if someone does, that they are blessed by the things I'm sharing.